I hate you.

-
You will never be able to understand me no matter how much you try just as I won't be able to understand you. I hate you for making me cave into my emotions, I hate you for making me so dependent on you, I hate you for always being in my head, I hate you for just seeing you and I hate you because I love you. I hate that you are always present in my life but you know how much I love it. I hate that I always rely on you to make me feel better and can't do it myself. I hate that you don't know when to come after me and the times I don't need you to, you do. I hate that once your name is mentioned I am instantly happy. I hate that you make me happy. I hate that you can make anyone like you because if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be in this mess.

You make me feel all these emotions that you can't control and leave the rest to me because my emotions trigger yours. I hate that you always know how to get to me just as I know how to get to you but you know that we always make up in the end. Sometimes I wish to just leave whatever we had and go back to how things were before but you made such an imprint on me that I wouldn't be able to return to my old lifestyle. I hate you for coming into my life and taking dominance over my mind I hate that you can control my emotions with just the sway of your words. I hate that I can instantly fall trapped in your toxic but desirable love. 

These days we tend to engage in more and more needless mishaps. Your words hurt, even jokingly, I'm still affected by every variable. I wish to break free from this thing connecting me to you because I feel so vulnerable that I will always overthink it's my fault when it isn't. You know I have standards too and I know as well they are high but you, you just came in and destroyed all of it and now, right now I feel as if I don't get the same from what you gave me before. I don't want to say it in a controlling way but I'm just saying if I say something don't call me "crazy" or tell me "you need to think". I hate you. I hate you. I hate you I hate you. I don't want to love you but I do and I hate you for that. 

You don't understand me. I hate you for that. I hate that you think you can. I hate how easy it is for you to manipulate my heart. I hate that your words can reach the deepest inch of my body, I hate that I gave you all that I had. I hate myself for not pushing you away when I should have. I hate that I embraced you, I hate you for coming to me. I love you for coming to me but hate you at the same time. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you but even that can't stop me from loving you. 


Written by Alyssa Chin
Photo Credits: Michael Malm

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I wish you chose to love me today.

-
This is the first. The first of many words I wish I could tell you. The first of many emotions I could express to you. Our time was cut short. We couldn't be the people that we hoped for and searched for. Rather, we couldn't do it together. I have always thought that what we had was impossible to find. God brought us together and nothing could tear us apart. I was wrong. So many things are against someone finding happiness in another. So many things barricade us from the deepest emotions we wish the other could understand. I love you. Those three simple yet extraordinary words could shake the planet and defeat worlds. I love you so much that it pains me to say goodbye. These words that I've held onto from the start all the way until now are words I don't wish to forget but you force me to return them to memories. I didn't have words before because I wrote based on the pain I felt and even the storm in my life that took over I still was at home with you. You were som...
Read more

What are the Possibilities of Love at First Sight?

-
This is where the lie that I was afraid of gradually worsens Supposing I'm just like the rest but concealed for the beauty of your eyes Maybe it's the way I talk or the way I act that creates the push-and-pull effect I'm not the person you know  I don't even know the one you know  That sometimes scares me because I don't know the image of the person you painted in your head  It could've been the side of me that rarely comes out that you fell in love with What are the possibilities of love at first sight? Maybe one in a million to you, but when you explore everything that's to come  You'll compare me with the rest of them  I'm just like any other and don't have much about me  I'm stuck with the person I used to be  In a place I don't wish to be The constant repetition of how much you love me Drives me to insanity, making me think that I have the capabilities What are the possibilities of love at first sight? These feelings that I have, sho...
Read more

The Complicated Expression of Love.

-
Image
I have concluded that my life is absolutely dominated by the meaning of love or maybe it's the feeling. Not just romantically but every form of love there is to exist. The warmth, and need for love constantly draws me to believe that I can't function without it. I struggled with the meaning of love for years. The confusion I faced in my relationships always made me question the validity of my definition of love. I used to hear that you can't define love but what if there was a more straight-forward definition that most of us overlook. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says, " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." What if we were to cultivate these traits within ourselves? I think doing tha...
Read more