5 years.

We ran away together thinking that we could have escaped reality but that's when it really hit us. Our immature thinking that only having each other and being able to hug the bad days away would have been okay but it left us loveless and full of hurt. We were young I admit and we had no idea what we were doing, even though we laid out a plan that we thought would make us the happiest human beings in the world, we still managed to fail, and that instead brought horror and fear to us. We now feared being with one another and one thing lead to the next after 3 years, you were gone. To make a life for yourself because you couldn't see one with me, you packed everything that we had made into a box and left, leaving with no remorse.

I look back and wonder how it was so easy for you to leave. Now 5 years have passed and I managed to move on somehow, not from you of course but from the life that we lived. I saw you but you were stuck. In the same place that you left from. I must say I'm grateful that you left because I might have been where you are now because I carelessly followed you around with my devoted love. How are you right now? What did you do in the past 5 years? After you left, I spent days searching for you, crying and begging for you to come back, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I gave up on myself.

After the first year, I wandered around from place to place, doing minor jobs that would be able to pay rent. I felt like I had died and I only existed but I didn't want to die and that was because I still had hope that you would return to me. I still believed and trusted the words of your 18-year-old self. I believed that you would have realized that you were wrong and you would come running back because it was I that took care of you. I waited day and night for your return but you didn't and I waited and waited and waited even more but then I gave up.

After the second year, I started getting better jobs through the connections I had made, and even though I was tired, I never stopped, even though I was told to forget about you, I still waited. That year I realized that I actually wasn't the one to lose you but you were the one to lose me. After coming to the actualization you would think that I forgot about you but I didn't, you were still on my mind. I still waited. I met someone new but it didn't work out, no matter what I did I was still attached to you. I still waited for you but you didn't come. 

I simply couldn't forget the 5 years that you were present in my life and now after another 5 years, I've built a name for myself. It isn't around the world but that hometown that we ran away to. Everyone here knows my name and I opened a cafe which is doing really well. I may not have the richest person in the world but I'm happy here and I know you would be too but your dreams were bigger than us. How are you right now? Have you made your dreams come true somewhere? Those questions I always pondered on as I hoped that you were happy wherever you were, even if you had found someone new, was she giving you a lot of love? I know you need constant reassurance with that insecure mind of yours. Not a day went past that I didn't once think of how you were. I was still waiting. 

After the fourth year, when I thought about you, it started hurting less but it still hurt. To think that I still haven't gotten over you. To think that you were still the man that I loved even after all these years and the cruel thing you did to me. To think I still wanted you to come home. I waited and waited and I never stopped, at this point, I thought myself to be delusional and made up my mind that you were never coming back but I still stood firm for waiting on you. Even if you were never to return to me I still waited. I'm starting to mature as an adult now and I thought about adopting a daughter and naming her Solari like the name you suggested, I absolutely adored but I didn't want to raise her alone so I decided to put it on pause. 

In the fifth year, when coming back from the adoption center, I saw you. I saw you coming out of a bar and you were dressed in the clothes that we detested and you had grown a beard that you said you would never get. I thought that you would have made it to your dreams because of how adamant you were about it and if you hadn't, you would have been close to achieving it but you were here. All I wanted to do was to stop the bus and hug you and curse at you and showed you my daughter but I couldn't. I was scared and my legs were numb. Instead, the bus started to move off and I sat as you disappeared from my view once again. I saw you and I was happy but I wasn't happy about how you were living and the funny thing is I still loved you, I still wanted you. 

Now, even though I missed my chance to be with you. I still await your return because I know I won't be able to give anyone else the love that I shared with you. Our love still continues in my heart. My daughter is growing since I adopted her and she's loved by everyone, so I can't hold on to you anymore was what I thought but I still do. I still love you and I am still waiting for your return. As I said even if I don't see you again I will always love you and I'm still waiting. 

Written by Alyssa Chin