My love isn't enough.

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Why love and want to be loved? I would rather not love than love and be loved. The loneliness that is etched into a person's heart after the so-called love leaves causes permanent damage. Yet, we crave one another like animals in heat. The sensation of your tingling touch lingers all over my body to show the places that you took dominance over. 

I might not have been the most perfect but in every way, I tried to be the one you would crave. I still can't believe I had you in my arms and still lost you. I did everything that you wanted I hurt myself for you to be happy. I wanted you but you didn't want me. I tried so hard. I applied the most expensive makeup I could get my hands on, I exercised every day to lose weight to be that perfect type for you. If it was my body structure I'm sorry I couldn't fix that but the costs for that were surreal. 

I had the thought that when you held me in your arms and said I was your match that I had really done a wonderful job for you. I gave you my whole existence just for you to have a smile on your face. The hole that you left in my heart is getting bigger and bigger. You left me with my nothingness. I'm going to die with no one remembering me or will a thought of me actually cross your mind. I'm leaving soon in a month the most I give myself. Your touch, scent, and features are vivid in my memory.

Do you think that I could have simply forgotten our 6 years of love in just a day, week, month, or year? I have devoted myself to you and now since the person I devoted myself to isn't here what is left of me. I gave you everything and you left me with nothing. I can't live like this. I trapped myself. I deluded myself into thinking that you the man I longed for wanted me.

I gave into my desires and lust and let you devour every inch of me as you were taking control of every aspect of me, that made me the one that pleased you for just a moment. I can't stand to look at my body and not feel disgusted because once I look in the mirror I see your hands all over me with that smirk that you ever so wore.

You were supposed to be the one that took care of me but our love, no, attraction to each other just showed me that it was contractual. You dare come back and say that you want to try again, that if I were more pretty you would have never let me go. What nonsense, I can't believe I fell for someone as dumb and useless as you. Ah, but what can I do now I'm already broken.

I'm tired. Can I rest now? My face is all soaked with hot flooded tears, puffy eyes, and a runny nose. I have lived through it all now, can the pain just stop? The mere fact that the minute you betrayed me, my love never wavered. The way you left and took everything that reminded me of you and only left me with these hopeless memories that I cling onto. Gazing at each other with utmost love and sincerity was what I thought it to be. I could never imagine in a million years that you were just using me. 

The feeling of betrayal surged throughout my whole body. The tender and destructive pain that you left me with keeps me shackled like a prisoner in a cell that has given up on living. I keep reminiscing about the days when we would just hold each other, laugh, and just enjoy each other's company. 

The moment you walked into my life felt the same as when you left. The barrier that I had built for myself crumpled down to your will.  How could you be so reckless with my heart? I'm done, I don't want this anymore. I want to have a happy dream. At least I could have been in your arms. I guess once was enough.


Written by Alyssa Chin


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