I deny you.

I wake up. I have another headache today, this one is worse than yesterday. I took the pill and it still isn't easing up. For breakfast, I wonder if I should just get drunk and pass out again. Maybe that will take the pain away. Seems like the best option to me.

I wake up. When was the last I had been outside, my room needs to air out, it smells awful. I can't bother to clean it today not feeling it. The ceiling is leaking again. I told that damn bastard to give me my money back if he wasn't going to fix it properly. Another typical day in the slums. I'm tired again. I should sleep a little more.

I wake up. Ugh, I still have a headache. When is it going to leave? Hasn't it been too long already? Why am I checking my phone as if someone would even reach out to me? I see mother has been calling for days, I wonder if her money ran low again. Damn, she wouldn't be able to survive in this world without me. Guess that means I'll be going back to work. I really didn't want to strip for any lusting man for a while. I'm losing my mind. Just five more minutes.

I wake up. I should really take a shower. My hair needs to wash too. At least I'm not meeting with anyone then again who would I even meet with other than that crazy hag. I wonder what he's up to now. It's partially his fault for the way I am. He ran away because he didn't want to be shunned by his sexuality. I'm tired again.

I wake up. What the hell, who is banging on my door? Why is he here, I clearly put a do not disturb sign on my door. I guess these people can't take a hint and leave. Can't he stop with the banging? What, what do you want? I told you I'm not going to see a psychiatrist, you want them to fix me and I don't need fixing. Can you just leave me alone? So persistent. All of this tired me out again. I want to take a nice nap now. 

I wake up. Damn, I still have this headache.  I have to sign in to the club tonight I'm running low on cash. I wonder if I can get some of those pills again but the receipt that I received long ago isn't valid anymore. Should I just visit the psychiatrist for them to prescribe more to me? The music is so loud in here why do people enjoy this. Well, some come to hook up with some random stranger, get paid to hook up with some random stranger which is the one I fall in, or came to just get away. Let's get this over with. Finally, that was rough, that piece of crap was just choking me the entire time. I should see the psychiatrist tomorrow for those pills. I need to catch up on my sleep. 

I wake up. It's morning already I just closed my eyes. I'll go later. Again with the banging what does he want? Yes I know I'll go see the psychiatrist later. What? Now? Are you crazy? I'm still tired so come back later if you want to ensure that I go. He still has the nerve to piss me off. I can't bother with this. I'm tired, need sleep. 

I wake up. Agh, he's here again with the banging. Jeez, doesn't he know when to stop? Fine, fine I'll go now. There's nothing wrong with me but you keep persisting. Why is it that none of the neighbors complain when you bang on the door but always curse at me? This waiting is too long I want to back to the place I stay. Finally, it's my turn. Before you say or ask anything, there's nothing wrong with me but that annoying guy over there keeps bugging me to come. What? Why do you want to know about the guy? He's right there ask him whatever you want then again I'm the patient here. Why do you keep asking me questions about him when he's clearly sitting right there ask him yourself. That was the longest session ever, are you happy now? The only good thing is that I can get a new batch of pills. I'm home. Why are you following me? Go home, I'm in no mood to let you in here. Ah finally, I wouldn't be able to keep up without this pill. Time for bed.

I wake up. Here he comes again with the knocking. You're becoming more frequent don't you think? I was in the middle of catching up on sleep, what do you want? What? You came all the way to tell me I'm sick. I keep telling you I am not sick. If that's what you're here to say you can leave. Be quiet why are you shouting at me can't you see he is the one making a ruckus. What do you mean there is no one there. Are you blind? This is too much for me I'm going back to bed. 

I wake up. What are you doing at my front door can't you see that you're disturbing me and making me feel uncomfortable. Can't you just leave? What do you mean by "no"? Hey, why aren't you saying anything? As a matter of fact, since I meet you, you only speak about going to the psychiatrist and that I'm sick you never speak of anything else. Anyways I'm going back inside to sleep. 

I wake up. Is that him again with the banging. Stop it, it's annoying and you're disturbing the others. What do you want this time, to tell me I'm sick again. Please leave me alone and can't you just go. I don't need you. I don't need anybody. Goodbye.

I wake up. Did he actually leave? Where did he go? What is wrong with me? It's good that he left. I don't have to hear him utter nonsense anymore and the neighbors won't be disturbed. It's a good thing. Isn't he going to visit me once more though, it has been a week now and I haven't seen him. I am getting quite lonely. No! I am fine. Why do I want to see that useless person? I should sleep a little more maybe I am lacking.

I wake up. Is he still not here? I thought he said I was sick. How could he leave a sick person by themselves? Is he trying to make me go to a psychiatrist by avoiding me thinking I would fall for his trick? Well, I am smarter than that. I am not sick, it's just everyone believes that and I will prove them wrong. I want to sleep a bit more. 

I wake up. My fingernails are so low now I can't bite them anymore and the flesh surrounding them is almost gone. Was I too hurtful? Is it that's why he hasn't been back yet? It has been a month. I'm lonely. I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I want to talk to him. I don't want him to hear him say that I am sick. Should I just listen to him? Will he hold a conversation with me then? Fine, I give up.  I will go tomorrow to visit the psychiatrist. For now, I should just rest. 

I wake up. Wait, is he back? That familiar knocking. Did he come back? Did he come back to tell me I'm sick? Did he figure out I was going to see the psychiatrist? I should greet him this time. I will do what he says so that he won't disappear again. I don't want to be lonely anymore. Even if he just says I'm sick and I need to see a psychiatrist, he still speaks to me. I hope we will talk more if I just go along with everything. Hello! Where have you been? Yes, I will visit the psychiatrist because maybe I am sick. Would you like to come in? I haven't heard from you in a while and I got worried. You have never been in here before right? Well then, welcome. My home is your home. 

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo credits: Themindsjournal