Undeniably loving you.

I think the irrevocable knowledge of the fact that you will never be mine again really seems to be making a rather frequent visit to my mind. There are days where I go without thinking about us. And then there are days when all I can think about is you. They say it heals with time, but it's been almost half a year and well as hurt as I may be that you chose to live a life without me, I still have to find solace in the fact that we existed. That at one point in our lives we met and we had something beautiful. I still look for you in everything and everywhere I go and I guess, I still need time to grieve. I've been reflecting, healing, growing, fighting, living, trying, holding on, loving, dreaming, eating, working, and feeling. I've been feeling the effects of your absence and growing out of the attachment/bond that we had created. I've been trying to let go of the words that held me back. All the "I love you" and the "I promise". It's been hard because I know you meant it. I would say that I've grown a lot since our time apart and well it is undeniable. How are you? A lot of the times, just asking the simple question is what pains me because I can't.

Is it easy for you? Is it easy to let go piles of memories, belongings and dreams? I'm not stuck, at least I don’t think I am but I am moving slowly although our relationship was nothing slow. Everything that I ever knew to be true about you will soon change. Soon I won't know what you like from what you dislike, I won't know your favorite car, I won't know your favorite food or favorite hoodie and I won't know your favorite word. What do I do then? Everything will change. What do I do when you move on? What do I do when I have no right to say that you were once mine? What do I do with all the pictures? What do I do? You've taught me a lot but not nearly enough for me to want to stop loving and choosing you.

I keep telling myself that God has more in store for me but why do I find myself praying for you? Why do I keep thinking about you when I have so much other things to think about? It always comes back to you. You weren't here on a day that would've been special if you were. That reminds me that you aren't here anymore. I am constantly surrounded by reminders of you and not by you. Everywhere I go, I can see you there and in everything I do I can feel your lingering presence. But, it's not all that bad. At least there were memories. At least there was joy. At least there was us. We were here and we loved. We loved and I still do. I won't be here forever and I'm waiting to say that I'm not. One day, I'll be able to walk away and until that time comes, I will still be loving you. When the pain and the hurt has left, then I will be able to move past the words that have been keeping me away from who I am to be without you. I was with me before you and you changed that but now I have to relearn how to do it and better.

I guess what I'm saying is I love you and one day it won't be as I do now and that's okay. One day I will be able to think about you and not feel teary-eyed. Some day, I will erase our pictures. Some day I will forget your laugh. Some day I will forget your scent. Until that day, my love remains as strong as the day it was born and my heart still cries out to the sound of yours. May your life be abundant in love as what I was not able to share with you. May your existence be a light for those lost and may your reflection be as true to you as it is to me. I pray for you forever and always as we once were bound and that your heart may be complete through Him who loves you most.

Still in love,

Sierra