Love through the eyes of another.

I fell in love with you through the eyes of another. It hurts that my existence can't co-exist with yours. You were a beautiful memory until you became a painful reminder, that I, no matter how much I longed for you could never call you mine. I, as a man, have always been delicate to the point where I was confused as a woman. My fragile nature is one of which I hate of myself but knowingly can't change the way I am. I had a lot of acquaintances but one true friend. We did everything together and talked about everything. There was not a moment where you could say we were separated. We experienced each other's pain and made jokes about them afterward because that was the best that we could do. 

But I have something that I haven't told her as yet. The fact that I am not like other guys and that I am ridiculed behind closed doors. The fact that I am trapped in the same place and can't move forward because I'm stuck in the past, while I watch you move ahead for the future, aiming for the stars, trying to reach ultimate happiness. I know deep down that you will leave me when the time comes. We aren't going to be with each other forever because we have been together our whole lives and you are going to part from me soon enough. 

Today, you mentioned casually that someone had caught your eye then joked about it afterward. I knew you for the whole of your life and you think I didn't know that you weren't joking. I realized that your gaze always seemed to be searching for someone and that you were laughing more than usual. I could see the slightest detail in how you tried to fix your hair neater and how you weren't acting tomboyish. I confronted you on the fact that you should just tell me straight and the look in your eyes was a mixture of fear and happiness. You immediately started to blush when I had told you to tell me about him. Your face lit up and I could hear the excitement in your voice. 

It turned out that the person you confessed to liking was the same person I had my eyes on. It was most likely just me watching him and you liking him, but my heart skipped a beat. I'm sure I don't like him as much as you do, so it's only right if you got him. Wait, he's not an item, but whatever. However, when you began to speak about him more frequently, I began to question if he is like that only to you or to everyone. It doesn't matter but I'm just curious. 

But why is it that my gaze is drawn to him even more than usual, and why is he everywhere I am?  After heading home at the same time, I discovered that we lived very close to each other, and I keep seeing him around campus, so why can't I look him in the eyes? What makes me feel so guilty every time I look at him? This is starting to get out of hand. I used to be satisfied with seeing him once a week, but once a day is simply too much for me. But what difference does it make?

He continues popping up in my thoughts, even in my dreams, no matter how hard I try to get him out. Hearing you talk about him and his small acts of compassion have finally gotten to me. I despise the person I've become. I know nothing will happen; all I have to do now is maintain my distance and avoid him. You two would be so happy together, but my heart still hurts since he can't be mine.

Because of my disgusting and delicate nature, I began to develop feelings for a person who you adored. Hearing you talk about him and express your feelings about him made me feel like I was in your shoes, but your words made me fall even deeper for him. Is it just feelings of admiration combined with jealousy? I'm not sure what this is, but I don't like it.

I can never let you know or him because you both look so happy together and I could never dare interfere. This is something that I and only I will ever know. I will take this to the grave that my first brief mix of emotions ended up to be you someone I can never reach. 

Written by Alyssa Chin