The art of wanting to be free.

-

When I think about it, I would have never guessed that the reason I was like this, pushing everyone and everything away was because I was trapped. I was locked in a cage wanting to be free. I didn't know I was suffocating until I realized that I wasn't free. The thought still lingers in my mind, am I really trapped or being deluded by my imagination? The pain and everything in my body was all stored and I couldn't let it free because I wasn't free. I couldn't live a happy life because I never knew how to live one but I now realize that it's up to me to determine my happiness. This is just me putting words to paper and it's easier said than done but is it that I was just keeping myself from experiencing the different passages of life. Was I giving up on my freedom before it came to me?

I wonder if I had chosen to live would my life have been better than how it is now? Would I be able to smile a genuine smile and have positive thoughts. Is it that I was preventing myself from being loved all this time. Have I been holding back on who I truly was? Am I talented and wanted? Or am I deluding myself because I tend to do that from time to time? But maybe I do have the chance to be happy. Maybe I am worthy of living a happy life with happy persons surrounding me. A positive environment where I can express myself and be truly me. Just laughing and enjoying the moment, enjoying the fact that I was alive and living well.

I want to taste the happiness of a new life but I fear that I will become addicted to the joys that would be surrounding that life. A life where it wouldn't be considered perfect but one that I could cherish and look forward to things making me happy. Where I hear happy thoughts and make people happy. To be given the opportunity to make persons smile would be one of my greatest joys. Being able to sit back and not stress over the simplest of things or getting angered easily. Maybe I was holding myself back. Maybe I didn't give myself time to grow into who I was meant to be, but how was I to know that I was going to mature faster than time. I wish I had given myself more time to develop and gain knowledge in what I could achieve for myself.

The idea of being loved and surrounded by love is something which I crave and if I could just reach freedom even just taste it once. To try what it means to experience and feel the rush. I want to explore with people who understand me and laugh and just do what we do. I want to be free. I want to be someone who is considered to be free. I want to be considered someone who people look up for the most positive of things. I don't want to be known as a person who can't be happy. I want to be happy and I want to know of happiness so I can spread happiness. I want to enjoy the thrill of being a teenager but how do I escape this prison. How do I break free from this cycle of negative emotions and this negative environment? It's toxic and it's hard to even breathe.

This cycle of breaking, just to escape this reality even once and soar. I want to be free and be me. I want to be given the chance to look at the world with a smile on my face. I want to be able to walk by myself and just think of the future and not think of the struggles I face. I want to be given the chance to live a new. I want to be accepting of those around me and I want to be able to accept change. I want to be able to love openly and freely, without concealing it. I want to be able to just breathe and enjoy what's to be my blue spring ride. I want to be a teenager. I don't want to grow up so quickly. I want to make mistakes and find out how to fix them. I don't want to be in a negative state, I don't want to be sad, I don't want to listen to depressing music. I want to go out and experience the thrill of living.

I want to be given the chance of just being reckless and getting scolded for the consequences. I don't want to grow up so fast yet time is moving against me. Just to take a minute and learn of what's in this world and what's to experience because what the hell do I know. I'm just a teenager trying to figure out my life. I don't want to be bounded by the shackles of growing up. I want to taste freedom I want to see it and I want to live it. Yes, I fear growing old and I'm bound to mature but for now, I want to stay out late and have fun. with my friends. I want to spend family time and not get into arguments. I want to do well in school and make my family proud, then I think of the future, scary, but that's for then. I want to live in the moment and just be here. I'm lost and I don't know who I am but I know that I don't want to exist, I want to live.  



Written by Alyssa Chin
Photo Credits: Chongyop Han


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I wish you chose to love me today.

-
This is the first. The first of many words I wish I could tell you. The first of many emotions I could express to you. Our time was cut short. We couldn't be the people that we hoped for and searched for. Rather, we couldn't do it together. I have always thought that what we had was impossible to find. God brought us together and nothing could tear us apart. I was wrong. So many things are against someone finding happiness in another. So many things barricade us from the deepest emotions we wish the other could understand. I love you. Those three simple yet extraordinary words could shake the planet and defeat worlds. I love you so much that it pains me to say goodbye. These words that I've held onto from the start all the way until now are words I don't wish to forget but you force me to return them to memories. I didn't have words before because I wrote based on the pain I felt and even the storm in my life that took over I still was at home with you. You were som...
Read more

What are the Possibilities of Love at First Sight?

-
This is where the lie that I was afraid of gradually worsens Supposing I'm just like the rest but concealed for the beauty of your eyes Maybe it's the way I talk or the way I act that creates the push-and-pull effect I'm not the person you know  I don't even know the one you know  That sometimes scares me because I don't know the image of the person you painted in your head  It could've been the side of me that rarely comes out that you fell in love with What are the possibilities of love at first sight? Maybe one in a million to you, but when you explore everything that's to come  You'll compare me with the rest of them  I'm just like any other and don't have much about me  I'm stuck with the person I used to be  In a place I don't wish to be The constant repetition of how much you love me Drives me to insanity, making me think that I have the capabilities What are the possibilities of love at first sight? These feelings that I have, sho...
Read more

The Complicated Expression of Love.

-
Image
I have concluded that my life is absolutely dominated by the meaning of love or maybe it's the feeling. Not just romantically but every form of love there is to exist. The warmth, and need for love constantly draws me to believe that I can't function without it. I struggled with the meaning of love for years. The confusion I faced in my relationships always made me question the validity of my definition of love. I used to hear that you can't define love but what if there was a more straight-forward definition that most of us overlook. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says, " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." What if we were to cultivate these traits within ourselves? I think doing tha...
Read more