How I’ll break you. (3/3)
Everything is useless no matter what I do. There's no point in refusing you. Makes me forget everything I do because I know that's all I'm meant to do. I can't take care of my own family. I'm a useless drunk on the verge of dying. I pressure my wife and disregard my child yet I find myself wanting to be a family. Doing what I see on the screen and laughing at what we find funny. But with how I am, I'm not going to reach very far. It's not that I hate you, it's just I can't express myself very well.
What does it mean to be a family? I'm no woman but I hate looking at my body, seeing my scars and all the things that make me who I am. It's not fair how I was given this and how I am now, I didn't do anything to deserve his yet I find myself in the same situation every day.
My Daughter wants my love and I want to give it to her but no one taught me any better so how am I supposed to truly show her that I care. Who knew children would be so needy and persistent, constantly seeking and wanting attention. She has a problem and I'm the one to fix it? She cries and I'm the one that's to wipe her tears away? She's hungry and I'm the one left to feed her! She hasn't seen the real world not quite yet. Doesn't know the dangers outside this door, only the hell behind these ones.
Growing up I had to fend for myself and learn the trade of evil in a world filled with so much hate. My parents fed me to the dogs and my daughter won't be treated any better. Because I wasn't treated better so why should she? One drink a day turns to every couple of hours not that I count anyways. Jars smashed on the floor just a small price to pay. Anger that grew from hate only made matters worse for her.
Watch my money drain away soon, debt will consume us, and the light to the house will fade away. Whiskey my favorite, what a cliché. These days all I find myself doing is staring into her eyes hoping she still has love for me inside. Her tears keep me awake and make me desire a drink more than anything just to simply take my pain away. I don't mean to hurt her, sometimes it just gets out of hand. Sometimes I do it just to provoke her and get a laugh in.
I want to become a better man not just for me but for my family. While I shout at you I tell myself to stop but it's like I can't control myself. It feels like I'm watching someone take over my body as I sit and watch them not being able to stop. Do you know I cry too? I'm pathetic to be called a father. I know you love me because you both are still here. You treasure me and want me to become a better person. I see it, I see it very clearly. I want to be someone worthy of accepting your love and affection.
How did I turn out like this? I wanted to be a man who was successful and would be a devoted husband to my wife and a loving father to my children. But I can't bother pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm cruel and disgusting and I don't care how people feel. Just so many annoyances around me, I can't be left alone, so many problems, nuisances, and people wanting more and more, expecting more and more. Just leave me the hell alone.
Darker days ahead of us, for we only have each other or better yet ourselves. She's a big girl and doesn't need my help. She'll figure out how the world truly works. I am a monster and I've grown to accept that. Loving my wife was hard but loving myself was harder. It was love at first. The good find the kind of love that it aches when you're apart yearning to close the distance. We had that. It was electric, fiery, and full of passion. It only took a year before it all started to crumble. It took me a year to realize the life I had just bound myself to. I was scared of losing myself to a marriage, to parenthood, and to adulthood.
So much was expected of me and everything was changing. I was a man who had responsibilities and mouths to feed. It all fell on my shoulders. Giving up was the best option; it set me free. I was back to being a kid getting the chance at an actual childhood. Freedom never felt good but once it was time to wake up to reality I didn't want to answer the phone I never did anyway. My dad taught me to live as if it was your last day. I suppose I took that literally.
My wife always had something to complain about. Every day it was a new thing, a new issue to discuss. God bless her heart once upon a time she had beautiful laughter now she seemed to have aged. Guess what she blamed me for that too! Kids and marriage can really bring out the best or worst version of yourself, especially responsibility. Which we now had plenty of. It felt suffocating and heavily exhausting. The birth of our first brought back the sparks I longed for but right after it all quickly became worse.
Tired of living in a world where all they do is want, want, want more, more, more, take, take take, and don't know how to give back. Why be happy and wear a fake smile when this fascist world is going to take all from me. People are so greedy, it's all about them and what they want. I gave so much but I received nothing, I'm useless and can't even take care of my family. We are not even bonded enough to be considered a family. If I was supposed to say something like that they would probably laugh or be surprised by my lies.
Grey do this, Grey don't hold her like that, be fragile, Grey take out the trash, Grey why haven't you gone back to work? Every second of every day that was my wife. The bar was the next best thing to tune out her noise. The bar became my escape, a place where I had nothing to do except to drink, a place where I wasn't judged or pushed around. It became my best friend. Birthdays were celebrated at the bar, miscarriages were mourned at the bar, disappointment was drowned at the bar, and love was lost at the bar.
I'm sorry that I gave up so fast that I didn't hold onto the ledge a little longer before my fall. I'm sorry I couldn't be what they wanted. What they deserved. For heaven's sake, they gave up on me just as fast as I did them.
Stop expecting things from me because I won't carry through. It's useless. I run away because that's the only thing I how to do.
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