It's my fault.

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Maybe if you didn't die in front of me would make the pain of losing you hurt even less. I killed you, I'm the one who took your life, I killed you. I'm sorry I said those hurtful words, I'm sorry I couldn't make it in time. I'm always late, aren't I? You gave me so much love and what I returned was your demise. I love you too, but it's too late to say that, you're not here anymore. We started from different backgrounds but I was given the chance to meet you and you made me happy. I wish I never met you because you wouldn't have to die because of me, even if I didn't know you it would have been better than seeing a picture of you hanging over flowers. 

You left me with a reminder that I can't get rid of, an embodiment of you, same features, same smile, everything about her reminds me of you. I'm sorry, I was late, I'm sorry about everything I said. I-I killed you. I have to take responsibility, I have to give her all the love I couldn't give you, it's all my fault, I'm sorry I pushed you away. It's all my fault, we should be raising her together but I turned you away because I was scared. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll give her all my love, all my love, that I couldn't return to you, I'll give it all to her, I'll make her happy. She's growing to look so much like you. 

I fear her hating me in the future for not being able to meet her mom, for not having a perfect family, for not having the luxuries of the world but I'll give her everything I have. I'll devote myself to her, I promise I'll make her happy, I promise I'll make her smile every day, I promise to buy her the best of clothes and the food she wants to eat. I'll spoil her for you and for me but I'm scared that she leaves me in the future. I fear that she hates me and runs away but I don't want her living the life that I lived. 


Written by Alyssa Chin

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