Understanding you.

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Yup, it's back but this time I'm by myself. There's no one here to help me now. I did this to myself and I expected it but why am I so calm with it now, why have I accepted the fact that I'm just a failure. Why do the people I hang around with all have such a bright future ahead and I'm just stuck? Stuck in a void that only takes from me. I felt left behind but in reality, I was lost or am lost. I amount to nothing and I feel so angry with myself that I have come to terms with this feeling. I wasted everything I was given when I was fortunate enough to have so much. I was fortunate to have money and I wasted it. I was fortunate to have people around me and I pushed them away. I am fortunate for existing and all I want to do is throw it away. I feel like there's so much being taken from me but really I may just be acting unconsciously. One moment I could be given the inexplicable feeling of happiness then my thoughts take control and consume me whole leaving me suffocated. 

I observe a lot and watch people's patterns and all I can think about is that I'm a disappointment. There's a sadness but at the same time a burning rage. What the hell am I doing here? I just want to disappear but I'm scared. I'm scared to give up but the intense feeling of not wanting to be here always wins. I'm lucky I haven't given up. I don't want to feel 'nothing' anymore, I don't want to feel like a 'failure' anymore, I don't want to feel this sadness anymore. My heart hurts so much, so much that I just want to end it all. There are so many people around me yet I feel nothing, I don't feel love, I don't feel like I'm needed. I could just blend in the crowd and no one would remember me. 

No one's here, no one, no one, no one, I own nothing, I amount to nothing, why am I still here, why am I scared to just disappear, why do I still want to exist when it hurts this much. There's only so much I can take but I just, I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. honestly, it would be better if I disappeared. It hurts so much. Why am I struggling with this and why now? In the next couple of days, I will be engaged in something that will determine the outcome of my near future, and what? I feel like a 'failure', a 'disappointment', a 'waste', and 'nothing'. I feel nothing but I feel everything. I just want someone to help but no one realizes. 

I can't help myself because I've tried, countless times but I failed because that's my specialty, to fail. All I'm good for is just taking from others and can't give back because that's the person I am. Selfish and Self-centered and a horrible person. Change is something I can't handle and it's all around me. I just want the opportunity to change myself for the better and just return everything I was given. After that maybe just maybe I would be satisfied with disappearing because I'm sure I won't be missed. 


Written by Alyssa Chin
Photo Credits: Laxmi Hussain


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