Hidden Love.

Out of everything we could fear in this world, we choose to love. I still love you and I still want you, you might not even see this but I still want us. I almost called you today. I was going to call and let you talk just to hear your voice if only for a second, I wanted to hear you. I would hang up quickly and say that it was an accident but when my hand pressed the call button and it didn't call I snapped out of it quickly and I never tried again. 

Let me tell you something funny, I was allowed to be with you and to dine together but I can't tell you that. I think that's also why I was so tempted to speak to you because maybe if we could just have a moment to ourselves to just talk maybe something might change but I remember you saying that seeing me would make you feel guilty and that you feel something different seeing me than over the phone. So, I won't affect your decision.

But if it's something that could be changed by interacting with me in person I'm tempted to go after it but I don't want to be selfish. I want you to heal and figure out who you are. I’m sitting here, in front of so many people yet I feel so alone. Even though I should feel the comfort of those around me all I feel is loneliness and all I can think about is you. As though I have stopped crying,  you still come across my mind quite frequently and there is an unknown pain that lingers. Hearing everyone speak about their partners and watching them smile at just the mention of their name brings a wave of sadness that I have to hide with a smile. I hate that you always pop into my mind in the worst of times, does the same happen to you? 

I want it to rain. I don’t want it to be cloudy anymore because holding in all of this is causing my heart to ache and when the rain does actually come it’s going to be a storm that might last for days. They don’t stop talking and you always have a connection to the conversation. As though you are a constant reminder and I await a call with your name, I also started living my life without you in terms of not texting and not searching for you in my memories. But I still linger for the trace of you.

I just want my memories of you to disappear but it's not, I keep writing about you and it hurts. You're going to become my best work of art someday, just expressing you through my words others are understanding us. It's not intentional I just want you to see it, see me. Please, just see me.

Written by Alyssa Chin