My Obsession.

I think I finally accept that I can handle heartbreak, only if it comes from you because the thought of holding onto you longer juxtaposes the feeling of hurt and fear that hides in my heart. I believe I still haven't changed even though given a chance to, I still remain the same coward I was while wearing a bravado. I'm waiting patiently on the day you break my heart into a thousand pieces because maybe then I will learn to move on. I have decided to wait, how foolish of me I must say but inevitably this would be the outcome, I have only tried to deny it. I wish to stand by you until you need to rid of me and consider me useless. I would literally give you a lot not all but whatever you need in the name of the four letters called 'love'. It's funny how I did not know love before you while you believed you could show me and after you, I have learned pieces of that word while you have drifted from it. 

After thoughts have taken over you for days, you would expect them to leave after a while yet it still continues to linger in your mind. The irony is that they seem to get worse after the first few days when it's supposed to be getting better. I smiled when I saw you even though I was meant to be upset and filled with hatred but all I could do was smile not because of how much I was glad to see you but because of how much I missed you and longed for you, how with the fragments you have given me, loved you and wanted to embrace you although I have to refrain from such. I made the decision to stay away from you yet I could not carry through. While the slightest mention of your name still gives feelings of butterflies it is also mixed with heart-wrenching sadness and confusion. How I wish I could only provide you with my existence to be enough. Still, it seems that I have to be more than just there but now I won't have the chance to prove my existence in such a way. 

My heart still calls for you, my mind keeps remembering you, and my memories keep replaying 'you'. You have become bigger than any distraction that I could handle and it sends shivers down my spine knowing how much you have dominated my mind and cursed my existence with yours and especially how you implanted yourself into my memories that will be on a constant loop of you until I see you move on. It is selfish of me to want more, more of you, more of us but I also deceive myself into thinking I can provide what you need. You think of yourself as a coward when I am just the same, that's why I can't let you go because I fear losing you, I fear you drifting so far that we can't be in each other's radius, I fear not being able to know you, I fear your harsh words which I desperately need to hear yet you say none is there. 

In a certain sense, I have a hatred for myself. I can’t understand why I can’t give you up and why I’m still holding on even though I should let go. We were two young teenagers who needed love out of this world and wanted more than it gave. If only you could feel the constant swelling of my throat yet there are no tears, the inexplicable feeling of hurt, and the unbearable feeling of longing and craving. In this void, you exist and I wish to exist with you. Why do you exist by yourself when you could exist with someone even if not me? I want you to see past further than your eyes travel and deeper within my soul that the darkness doesn't control. With all I have to give for it, I would gladly sacrifice and you feel guilty knowing that when it isn't even your fault but mine. It is my fault for loving you even though there's nothing to do now because it has already happened and it is still happening. It's not your fault. 

I wish to give you up but it's so hard. You may have lied and yes I do carry some resentment for that but even if one day my resentment is to control me, I would never once not acknowledge that I am completely infatuated by you because you have bewitched me. Even if my hatred outgrows my love it will still be there but chopping down the barriers of hatred would be easier in this case as my love is already strong and the slightest light that is let in will conquer such hatred. Why am I still stuck up on you though you have pushed me away, even when you say that you don't want me, even when you can't see me, why do I still find myself so completely head over heels for you? I wish it was an illusion or perhaps it is.

This has caused me to deny my healing process and I thought maybe breaking my heart to the point of no return would help but it seems as if you can't do so. I thought I just needed to hear a couple words or a certain sentence but even when you imply such it still doesn't waver my love for you, you have completely won me over and I was so easy to give. I hate that you have control over my mind and body and that it relies on you for a sense of comfort, understanding, yearning, peace, and love. You have taken me and I don't want you to give it back even though I need it back. You have me captivated and I am glad to be your captive because maybe I will be useful of some sort, if not now whenever you need me. Do not conform to me and my desires because I will only drag you down more. I will try to move on even though contradictory to what I said earlier but please bear with me and my constant impact of emotions. I have to let you go because I love you but it's so hard.

I am reminded of you in every waking moment of my useless, miserable, irrelevant, and denied but needed existence. 

Written by Alyssa Chin