Void.

It's silent but I can see it all. Even though I can't hear anything I can only imagine the sounds that seem so real even though you're fake. It hurts but I feel nothing. You're crying, I can feel it. An endless chain that has clipped our destinies short. Time covets and encapsulates my heart and keeps me hostage. I'm stuck. It's dark but it's only because I'm sleeping. It brings us together because of our force of attraction and tears us apart when identical. Is it because we seek something that we amount to nothing? What happened to our wings? This fear, the one that keeps me awake, is it an illusion? Paralyzed, I am when I sleep and dead when I am awake.

To search for the hallowed angel's shadow in the hope of regaining your own. "I did hate you." Those words will forever resonate in my head. It rippled through my still and unbalanced world. I never knew hate could stem from love and then automatically turns back to love. Torn between love and hate. Was it all fake? "This love, my love, your love, our love." It was all a lie and I foolishly believed it all. Now I'm the one left in tears. I'm the one who's having trust issues. I'm the one with all this love. You can't even say you love me anymore even if you were pretending. You tell me you can't trust me when I would literally give you my everything.

I don't know how to feel. It's salty, my tears. You lied to me. I gave you my heart and you lied to me. From your look to your words to your actions, it was all a lie. You lie. Why do you lie? Why did you lie? I trusted you, I loved you, I adored you, I needed you, and you left me. Now you say you're trying but I don't know if it's a lie to you. I don't know how to trust your look, your words, or your actions. All I feel now is regret. Regret loving you because you can't even return it but how can I regret loving you when I was happy to love you, even your fake love, your pretending I was happy. 

You continue to hurt me while you say you care about me. It's so hard, hard for you to say that you love me that you have to apologize for not being able to love me. You tell me that it's the truth but I don't know anymore. I'm the one that silently cries about what I thought was real when you reveal that it was all pretending. My memories are all fake, what I remember isn't the truth, and my memories aren't even real so what am I to believe. Now you say I shouldn't believe your words and I should focus on your actions but you're also good at acting that I also believed them. 

You broke me. You lost me. Just looking at you hurts me but I wear a smile because I don't want you to leave again. I hate loving you because it hurts but I can't stop even when you said you hated me. Why does my fate always twirl like this? Why do I constantly wrap myself in hurt and betrayal and yet still I'm so weak that I keep going back for more? How much more can I take before it all ends? How much more must I endure until I can finally receive your love? Why am I so insistent upon receiving your love? Why do I need you to love me when all you do is push me down? Why must I be in pain because I want you? The sad thing is that I can't and don't want to stop loving you despite all the pain you have inflicted on me. I know I have also caused a great burden, is the pain as heavy as mine? Did I do this to you too? Are you feeling the same? If you are I apologize.

It's black. I still can't see. I wish I was sleeping but I'm not. I wish this was a dream that I could wake up from. I would consider you my worst nightmare and greatest enemy but meanwhile, you are my favorite dream and biggest friend. Are you happy that we're trying again? I know you aren't happy but trying to make this work. Are you happy, you replied with 50/50 which makes it hurt even more. You can't even see us together 5 years into the future, the most are 2 years. That's how long you think we have. You're going to give up aren't you because you did already. You say you just need to feel more but I'm trying. How can I make you love me? How can I make you want me? How can I make you love me? You say you haven't felt anything in a while when I thought I was giving so much love. It didn't even reach you. My love is so distant from you that you can't even feel it. 

You think I manipulated you when I think I manipulated myself into thinking that one day you will love me. If I just try more you’ll love me but am I deceiving myself with those treacherous words. Then you blame everything, not me but everything. "How can I make you love me?" is the only thing I can think of. Now I'm here with a tear-stained face thinking of you and writing this about you wondering if there's anyone else in my position and how they're holding up right now. Am I an idiot for wanting a love like yours?

Just for you, I would conquer the strongest fear that you had even if it left me scarred but would you do the same it would you just leave like you always do.

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

You hurt me. 

Please stop hurting me. Please. Please stop hurting me. I'm even scared to say this to you because you're going to think that you're hurting me and may want to leave me again. Please. I'm begging you, please stop hurting me. Please stop hurting me. Just love me, that's all I want. Just love me. Please love me. Just love me. Please love me.

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo Credits: Claudia Barbu