45% or maybe a lie.

The fact that I am now a million miles away from you
You still haunt me
Every day, Every hour, Every second
You haunt me.

I thought that moving somewhere else would have made it easier
But I was wrong
It only made it harder
How am I expected to move past us?

It's been two months, yea
Two horrible months
Well for me at least
But you? Have you found someone?

It's not my place but I just have this feeling, you know? 
A feeling that there's someone else
Well, I mean, I don't wrong you but...
So quickly, there might not be someone else but it's just intuition.

45% is where I think I'm at and have been for the past month
I'm not moving but I hope you're thriving
You've left a permanent mark
You're still so constant in my heart
I just hope that this feeling doesn't last too long.

Why are you not leaving?
Why are you still here?
Why do I still love you?
Why do I still want you?

Why am I still so unconditionally in love with you?
I promised myself not to write about you anymore
I promised
But you, I just have so many words for you.

I hate you, I hate you so much
But I hate myself because I don't hate you at all
Why do you still make me cry?
Why couldn't you try even a bit more?

You left me after promising not to
And I believed you
I don't mean to hurt you if you ever read this
At this point you might just read it without feeling anything, am I right?

It's been two months 
And well, people change a lot within two months
But what's the sense of writing all this when it's going to hurt even more...
It's because I'm still trying to reach you I think 
Even though impossible
I'm still trying.

You will never love me. Ever.
I know it. I know those words
But I'm probably crazy for not listening to those telling me "no"
And I'm probably even crazier for listening to those telling me "Don't give up."

Because in the end, I might not give up until someone else comes along
Even if you find someone else, I'll just love you silently
And how I hope someone comes along because I just know that you'll never love me
And I will never stop loving you.

I'll never stop writing about you
You were my first love, first heartbreak, and my first apple
Maybe if someone loves me, I'll be able to love them too
But they'll probably be another you. 

I would wish the worst for you but I can't. I only wish you the best
I hope you aren't too angry at hearing that I still love you
I just do, I want you.

It would be best to ignore this if you ever do read this one day
Because replying to this just gives a bigger misunderstanding
I'm sorry but I still love you. "It's not you, it's me."


Written by Alyssa Chin
Photo Credits: Ron Hicks

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