I think I might "Hate" you.
I can hear the crack of the facade that I raised. I don't know if it's because I'm wrapped in his cloth or your lies. I can feel the impenetrable walls of the unsteady mountain chip and break. Whether it's the fear of being alone or the pain that comes with it, it just seems to shallow the halls within. Your lies echo these walls tearing the fragments that held it together and his scent lingers with a trace of disgust and longing. I can't tell if it's harsh words or meaningless lies, but worst of all, I now can't tell whether it's real or fake. Moving from a rock to a boulder required much effort and I wouldn't have expected that it was this easy to break into multiple pieces. I want them but they never want me. Why must love come with such burdens and complications? Maybe it wasn't love just lust and infatuation mixed with obsession and wanting. You were different but I shouldn't have expected the outcome to be.
You want to focus on yourself and I only am burdening you with the thought of us. Why is it so hard to love someone from a distance? Why must I love you from a distance? These days I would find myself lost in thoughts of you and that so-called future you tell of but then if there is no groundwork and we both separate you want fate to pull us back together. It's funny how I thought that I could change your mind because that worked in the past but you gave me no chance to portray my emotions neither did you allow me or had the idea of allowing me to enter yours. As I look around my room, my thoughts choke me upon my first encounter and how we progressed because of the way you lead me on. You pushed me to the point I am today then you say you might leave because you don't want to hurt me.
Why the hell did you approach me with wanting nothing to become of us then abandoning me last second not by leaving but by telling me we should still talk even if nothing comes from it. How selfish of you to even consider me and then drop me with some flimsy words. Is it so easy for you to not give any thought to my feelings? I just got back and now I'm back again in this room I detest, where all my pain consumes me and all my burdens scorch my skin. The pungent smell gets worse the more hateful words and hopeless lies enter my mind. Drowning out all other sounds like a habit and tuning in on my thoughts and desperate heart. It was better than before because I had already experienced it and knew that this was only the first stage. There was more to come, a lot more but the difference between then and now is that I don't know which will hurt more.
I couldn't be your reason. I couldn't give you what I wanted you to receive. You have your priorities aligned and I have mine and as you said they don't cross paths, they will never cross paths and you know this yet you keep me around like backup. You say you like me and want to know me better but what for? So that in the future when you are ready for me you'll know things of the past. Then the intrusive thoughts arrive and that's when I know that because of how much I want you this fake sort of optimism is brought forth and it turns me into a fool. We keep building this bond that is bound to fizzle and covering up the truth of our "relationship". You say it's okay to talk to other people and okay for me to hate you, well your words came true partially because I can never love you now that I know what your love looks like. It's not going to work and I guess I'm just going to have to understand that again. You are what I am intrigued, beguiled, and captivated by yet you are not of the worth I paint you out to be. This fantasy will come to an end and I guess I will be the one to stop it, this time not for my heart but because you are just not worth me. This pain you have brought me because it all ends in nothing.
Love and Hate Malika.
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