Instead of a Dream.

I constantly get this feeling that someone keeps watching me. I don't know where because every time I look around there's no one there but I'm sure there is. They follow me from work and when I go to school. When I'm in my house even though all the windows and doors are closed. When I'm on the bus, everywhere. I told my friends and all they kept telling me was that I'm just imagining things because I'm not used to living alone yet so now I'm actually wondering if I was making things up or that someone was actually following me. These days I keep getting the sense of mixing reality with my dreams and it's becoming more and more terrifying. 

I woke up one day at the train station and can't remember how I got there. People were staring at me like I was homeless because I was covered in my nightwear but for the life of me, I can't even remember leaving the house. Another time I dreamt that I was at work and went through the entire day then came home exhausted then I woke up and realized I missed work with my phone ringing off the hook. I don't know what's been happening to me recently. 

I searched the internet and read a lot of books to tell what's been happening with me but all they replied was that it was probably a hallucination and when I get enough rest I'll get better. This has been happening for months and I can't tell when it's going to stop. I've been sleeping normally, well I believe I've been sleeping normally but I can't distinguish it anymore. There has been this new neighbour that moved in beside me and every night I hear this person crying through the thin walls. I've never once spoken to them but I decided to avoid them because I can't meet anyone in this state. I feel like I've been going throughout the days with a blank mind and I've just been moving. I can't tell when I go to work or when I get back home, it just happens. I can't tell when the day starts or when it ends.

This is more than a hallucination and for some reason, no one is believing me. It feels like I'm trapped in a loop and because it's become a daily routine, I do it without thinking. I feel so weirded out the times I actually feel like I'm not in a trance but it's becoming more hard to sleep when the person next door keeps crying. I'm starting to lose my mind. Every time I turn around no one's there but when I continue I can hear someone following me. Today, I ran home and I could hear someone's footsteps running behind me. I got so scared I called my brother to tell him and he told me to get to his house which is not far from where I work. The next thing I remember is waking up at my brother's house and he asked why I came to him so late at night but I told him that he was the one who told me to go there. When I checked my call logs he wasn't there.

I really don't understand what's happening to me and the more I try to figure it out the more nothing makes sense. I explained everything to him and he looked at me like he was pitying me and told me I just needed rest. Why is everyone saying I need rest when I tell them someone's following me and that I can't differentiate reality from my dreams anymore. Then I woke up at home. Was that all a dream I kept thinking but the next second my brother called me asking if I got home safely. There is something seriously wrong with me and I don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind and I can't control where I am or who I'm with. It's better if I just stay at home. Two days passed at home and I've been trying to make sense of everything happening around me then I got this splitting headache and went to sleep but then I woke up at the hospital hearing I fainted at work. What the hell is happening to me? 

I tried telling the doctor what's been happening and he says the same thing everyone else says I need to rest, I'm fatigued. The same response over and over. I don't even know if I'm dreaming or if this is actually real. I ran out of the hospital and then I woke up and was in the middle of the road with a car coming full speed. I sprang out of bed and realized it was just a dream. I've been taking pills for my headaches and I've barely been eating because every time I eat I vomit it out. My apartment has become a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. The doorbell rang and I opened the door to see an unfamiliar face but he introduced himself as the next door neighbour saying that he has been wanting to meet me for a while and every time he saw me I would run away from him but what's strange is why would I run away from him?

I introduced myself and he went back. I tried eating again but it all came back up. I decided to get some sleep and heard my neighbour crying again. It wasn't my business to ask but I'm really curious as to why he's always crying. I lay my head on my pillows and I woke up to being in the middle of the road again. This time I didn't wake up and I felt the car hit me. I started to lose consciousness, hearing people scream and running towards me then I woke up. I was at home and the tv was on and my neighbour was still crying. I slept for seven minutes. I screamed. Not because I woke up after just being hit by a car but I don't remember going to sleep. I was at work the last time, no I was talking with my neighbour. I don't remember which day today is. I went over to the next-door neighbour and no one was there. When I spoke to the neighbour in front of me she said no one moved in from the last time a couple lived there. 

I woke up in the hospital again, this time my head was wrapped in a cloth and I couldn't move my body. There was a nurse in my room and she ran out when she saw me. The doctor that I previously spoke to told me that I was in a coma for seven years. I didn't know what I should believe. Was I dreaming? Was it reality? I didn't know anymore. I then saw the next-door neighbour walk into the room crying saying that it was his fault. He was the one driving and started apologizing. I don't know what was happening. I'm tired of this. I close my eyes and woke up and I was still in the hospital room. This time I accepted the fact that I was in a coma and that everything that was happening to me was just what I was dreaming about. I still feel as though it were real but maybe it wasn't.  A week went by and I started working on how to move my body and meeting everyone who came to see me. The days have been making more sense and even though I can't control my own body, I still am happy that I'm getting back to how it used to be.

Then I woke up. This time I was more scared than ever because everything was going fine and all of a sudden I'm back in my bedroom. I could hear my neighbour's cries again, what's worse is that this time I couldn't feel anything. My body felt numb and I still couldn't move like in the dream. No one could hear my cries and it was like I was mute to everyone around me. I cried myself to sleep then I woke up. I was looking over at what seemed to be my body with tears running down my cheeks. I moved around and I was stuck in a room. I couldn't open the door nor could I open the windows. I was flooded with a sense of panic and all I could do was accept it and wait until I woke up. I felt so lost. I woke up and I couldn't remember anything. It was as if nothing happened and the time was moving slowly. I kept on trying to remember what happened because it just felt like there was something I was supposed to remember but my mind was blank. I was in a lot of pain but it just stopped after a while. What felt like hours was only seven seconds but now I just feel this sense of relief. My head was cleared and my body was light. I just felt better even though I didn't know what was wrong with me before, I just feel better. 

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo Credits: Monica Castanys