My "Doordash"

There is a burning rage and hurt in my body that's setting my heart ablaze. I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you. You have clouded my thoughts with all this pain that I must rid of but I can still remember our times. The kisses that we shared, the hugs that made me melt, the way you would lift me. The constant messages of "Good morning" followed by words of affection and the occasional "Goodnight", the checkups during the day of how I was doing and if I ate. If I stretched because I had been at home all day. The happiness I felt seeing your name pop up on my screen, the way my heart raced when you called, and the names you would call me. The way you made me feel utterly wanted but unwanted at the same time. I believe what we had was special but on the other hand, you might not.

I am proud of myself for letting you go because if I didn't you would've continued to lead me on and I would feel more pain if I had spent more time with you. The thought of never seeing you again and the idea of you forgetting me easily kind of deters my mind from actually forgetting you. You made me feel the ecstasy of life and oh how I loved that feeling. You made me enter a world where it was supposed to be forbidden and you set my heart on fire. You made me feel so high like I was experiencing mania. What we had will never be enough. My mind cheers for you and my lips wish to taste yours again. My body wants to feel your embrace and my heart screams for you. 

Although a contradiction to my rage for you. It resembles the mirror that reflects my deepest emotions. I write of you knowing that you will never see these letters. I write of you in hopes of knowing that what we had you believe to be the same. I write of you in times of anguish when you would soothe me. It's not enough to feel alive. If today you were to ask me how I felt about you, I would tell you I don't love you but I am utterly infatuated by you. You have taken over my train of thought pushing me back into another episode. I can't just tell people of the bad, I have to tell them of how you made me feel. How you made me feel like I existed. How I want that back but I will never go back.

When I just met you I had no intentions of us being even friends but you made your presence known and I don't regret a second of knowing you. I am glad that I met you, even though our time together was cut short. You made my days tolerable and there might sound like there's a little doubt but I know that you will never forget me either. I was probably one of the most complicated persons to ever cross your path while at the same time, I'm sure I might've reached you in some minor way. I know that once I meet a person and they find out who I am and I find out who they are they will never forget me. Maybe I'll be stored away in your mind but one day you will look back and remember me, you'll either laugh or you'll be upset at how I made us leave things. 

I know that I no longer have any ownership over you but for the last time, I'll call you "my doordash" because that reminds me of how you were once mine, and that name is only reserved for you. You controlled my body but you could never control my heart. If I hadn't learned from the past, I would've let you have your way. I'll no longer do that but your existence will never be forgotten because I am a writer and I'll write about you obsessively even though it doesn't show everything. I'll speak of you and what you gave and did to me. So "My Doordash" I'll never forget you. 

Written by Alyssa Chin