Unrequited love.

Dear Diary, I met a boy. He was really cute and really sweet. Well, at first. Now, he's become someone that I wish I could hate. Just writing about him is making me smile and reminding me of his, which was really amazing by the way. He has a way with words in both good and bad cases but that didn't stop me from liking him. He's the first boy I want and I can't have. It's unfair really, he was the one who liked me first but now the tables turned and I'm the one liking him. I fell for him, not love but a strong sense of liking him. When I just met him, I showed him the confident me, strong-willed and the more go-getter of life but when he actually met the real me, the attention-seeking, clingy, and soft-hearted girl, he showed me how much he was just attracted to the fake me instead of the real one. We went from talking every day to once a month. Went from almost lovers to acquaintances and what's really funny is that I still think of him, almost every day well I mean it's evident because I'm writing about him but he's like a free spirit, you can't hold him down. 

I would wish that he gave me a chance but, to be honest, I'm not ready for a relationship and I just know that he wouldn't be the ideal boyfriend that I so desire. We would probably argue a lot because of our differences then make up through intimacy and move on like nothing happened. Although I'm attracted to his manly demeanor I still can't overlook the fact that he doesn't know how to treat a woman. It's hard trying to forget someone your heart yearns for and trust me it's so hard for me to avoid him because every day there's just this voice telling me to call him and I know that he would answer or get back to me but it would be as if everything that has happened didn't exist. I mean we're not talking to each other right now because of our differences and it's just going to be overlooked if I was to pick up my phone and say hey. 

I would want to say I wish I never met him but I'm kind of glad that I did because even though he doesn't know this, he helped me through a rough time. I like him. I hate to admit it but I really do like this boy who played with my heartstrings. He was like something that I craved, the way he spoke, the way he looked at me, the way he texted me, the way he hugged me, the way he kissed me, and most importantly the way he smiled. I will never be able to forget that man's smile because his smile was so beautiful, it was so different but beautiful. He was beautiful. I think that's maybe when I started to like him. The first time he smiled wasn't genuine and I guess that's why I wasn't fully interested in him because I thought he was one of those fake playboys which he is but when I saw his real smile, that's when I started liking him.

I'm going to say something cliche that he isn't like any other guy that I've met but really he isn't like any boy that I've met. He just stood out so much, he wasn't my first experience with a playboy but he was the first who didn't want me back. He's in my words now. From the day I met him, he was like words to me. I could write about him and not get bored, I could talk about him for hours, I could talk to him for hours but he played me. He claims to this day that he didn't but he did. He claims he still likes me and I'm always his girl and he'll be there for me but where is he? Where is the guy that took my hand on the first day we met and gently rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand and then gave me one of the best hugs of my life? The guy that would talk to me for the whole day and I would go on calls with, the guy who come to visit me or buy me stuff that I wanted. Where's the guy that I started to like?

If he ever reads this, I feel like it would just be words to him, it wouldn't affect him, and he probably would see it and ignore it. He would just lie to my face and don't care about my words. I so heavily want someone to actually treat me like a woman like that one heartbreak but it just seems like I can't find anyone like him and I want to give up on everyone but I just can't because of this stupid heart of mine. Up till this very moment, it's telling me to call him and telling me to reconcile with him but I'm stubborn and I don't want to cave but then again I really do like him, I like him so much that it hurts sometimes. I just feel like I'm stuck and the thing is if I do see him again which I more likely will, I may just like him even more because that smile of his has me forgetting about everything else.

So, Dear Diary, what do you think I should do?

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo Credits: Lilya Kunitskaya