Vision of Happiness.

Sometimes I don't like your touch even though I want to. Your hands are stained with those who were before me and that triggers a sense of repulsiveness that tends to take up my mind. Your hand which caresses me gives me a comforting feeling but once you retract, the only thing I can think about is the fact that you have done this before. Your hands even though are meant to comfort me and protect me yet somehow undeniably end up hurting me. This feeling that I don't want to encounter continues to ruin the love you try to give. Your experience and maturity, your age, and your actions all frighten me so much. You can gently move my hair and make my heart flutter but trust me when you leave and my thoughts consume me, I'm scared to know where that hand was before you touched me. Did you interact with another girl today? I'm scared to know what you did. I'm scared.

But who am I to tell you to change, just because of my title. I want to procure our love but you scare me so much. I'm so scared to love you because of how fast we're going, I'm scared to love you because you might just leave, I'm scared to love you if you can't bring yourself to love me back, I'm scared to love you because of my fear of falling in love, I'm scared to love you because I'm scared of you. But I'm going to try, this thing called love, with you. I'm going to try to make our love continue and reach all its possibilities. 

It's been five years. Why do I need to apologize for the hurt that you cause? You left again and now I'm back to fighting with my thoughts. But at least you tried this time. This feeling in my chest, I don't know how to describe it but there's something that just hurts me every time that I see you. My heart feels like it's being ripped to pieces seeing you with someone else. These days I sit in my room wondering what had happened between us that was so different from the rest that you actually left for good this time. The worse part about not understanding is seeing you move on that quickly like you had her in line for when we were done. I can't eat because all I remember are the meals you prepared for me, I can't sleep because your scent still lingers in the bed, and I can't even do all that I used to enjoy because I shared those memories with you. You can see it all yet you ignore me. You ignore the love that you so easily left, you ignore the woman who you shared that love with, and all for what, I don't know. 

What I am also unable to comprehend is why I have to be with you to function. Why do I have to feel you, see you, or hear you control what I feel? Why is it that everything I do must depend on the decisions that you make? Why can't I do what I want for myself? 

You don't understand the weight that words carry, yet you use them at your disposal. Do you know how it feels to be trapped by a thousand words by the one who was supposed to give love? I sit in silence and all I can see is darkness, falling over into the sky and surrounding my room. Thoughts pounce once the demons are present and I'm constantly reminded of your heavy words. Then your face comes from the darkness hoping that you would drag me out of it but instead, you pushed me even further. Our happiness has now become bitter and all that we do is argue about big things, trivial things, and worst of all about ourselves. I can't see the love that you so proclaimed and I wish that I had never encountered your version of love because now, I want it so bad. 

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo Credits: Joseph Lorusso