A Complex Paradox.

An ounce of myself is what leads to every aspect of myself. I have now returned to the feelings of confusion and devastation though it was mainly erased by the illusion of time. It has found itself creeping up the path that I had illuminated and seems to want to cover it with lies and deception, created under the false pretense of my alternate state of being. I can't possibly understand to the full extent of what makes me whole and who makes me complete but if not myself then who could ever understand the paradox of being a paradox. Stating what I am compromised of and knowing what I'm made of contradicts the idea of me actually discerning my innermost self. I don't know how to express the vulnerability of being able to engage in the facets that intrigue me. I can't explicitly comprehend my little knowledge of the thoughts that incessantly corrupt my internal consciousness. Still, I have been able to recognize the fact that my external consciousness has taken every bit of knowledge it could handle. Being able to not articulate myself has caused great chaos and soon-to-be more confusing winds that if one can't understand or interpret will lead to the destruction of an unknown entity. Supposing one could decode a hidden message behind the wrong words and taking into account the possibility of being wrong both add up to the reader and what wasn't meant to be seen. 

Troubling actions and necessary changes all hinder the growth of an individual who can't even compete with their own mind. Moving chess pieces within one's own domain and releasing havoc on the losing player determines the outcome of any external situation, differing from the internal assessment. Every time it is said to be understood by an outside figure always changes the game being played and with the game being changed, the rules become the enforcer of how the inner individual relies on the outer individual. I want to be understood and questioned by the outer force that wants to comprehend me. Just one person to fully understand these complex feelings. Suppress the raw, incoherent, and uncontrolled emotions that have no right in controlling the single player with multiple personas. This flash that needs to be seen and heard, although silently dancing, it depends on the strings of those who tug on them. I couldn't expect you to understand the meaning of each and every word but I could at least let the worrying feeling build to keep in mind the danger of being out of one's comfort zone. 

Mistakenly, I saw oppressors of feelings but they were givers of affection. Not being able to withstand the full impact that came with affection, my mind mistook it for danger and caused a sense of panic that still pulses through the air. Maybe it's too complicated to get involved with the innermost problems but doesn't that also reflect the outermost person? Blinded by the sense of curiosity is what always bites back because the openness that follows turns into the demise of the giver of everything. The uncontained gravity that pulls you down and rips you apart is partially responsible for the words that exist. Not just existing as words but having meaning and needing meaning. Stepping through that first door and seeing how it functions makes you crave a certain desire but that desire turns out to be a contrast of just a craving. How to be just to my unquestionable feelings while keeping them sacred as a means of wanting to store them for safety and loyalty. I desperately wanted an understanding existence to correlate with the substantial amount of confused, incoherent, and raw emotions on display. But what can be done even then when such an existence can't come to terms with interpretation. I am a conflicted contradiction and a complex paradox.

The nakedness of truth.

Written by Alyssa Chin

Photo credit: yizheng ke