The Confusion of a Blue Song.
Recently, the thought "Why does one lose themselves when they love so hard?" always kept popping up. Maybe because they care too much? I would try to answer knowing that wasn't even close. Today, I was given some devasting truth and the reason I can't even rebut is because it's true. Why does one lose themselves loving others so deeply? Rather than losing myself, I always viewed it as that's just what love is. That was the toxic and self-indulging perspective I always used to counter the true meaning. What I want isn't necessarily what others want, and I don't accept that too well. Distance is inevitable and in my case, the best alternative than to lie. We all need our own space, I completely agree but I thought that there would be more sympathy in knowing that I can't have what others generally do. Was this a form of manipulation or was it the concept of temptation? The psychologist can't even figure out her own mind. Many times I wondered if I had dropped the old and walked with the new but apparently the old was just hidden and the light of the opposition was the one to shine light on it.
To be fair, distance is needed but not wanted and that's rather selfish of me. The "why" could very well turn into the "what" or be interpreted as such. I don't understand what I need to and that was the whole point of communication yet can one say they endured well? Do you know how hard it is to hold back rather than put forth? The insensitivity is that which doesn't exist and you ponder on "I hope I did well this time." Why does the complexities of one's heart fall into the hands of the one that could bring it's demise and how coded does one have to be in order to be understood by the opposition? It's the use of words or maybe how words are portrayed that causes the sense of space in accountability to the feeling of control. Who could decipher such jumbled words on a piece of paper that purposefully causes confusion for you to find the deeper and true meaning?
How many times does one click of the tongue roll words that are detestable to the one receiving? Everything that was in vain became the whole reason we were meant to be. How does the longing and craving for another existence match the death of its own? Perhaps, the way it is to be that one would convey the innermost self but if the opposition can't even do that, how does the leader party follow? Perhaps it was to be alone because then they would understand more of how their own essence works. The ache of the weight and the cry of the lonely was consumed by the pretty look of what it wanted. How deceiving. The tears that stream down each with its own worry, make it harder to be where you want to be. How can you not know the resemblance of the words that you say or the emotions that you fake? The ones that confuse the realistic you and the ones that pains you.
It's probably better this way, both staying hidden and confused. At least then, we'll know the delusional truth. Take it as a chance to go by or a chance to push forward but whatever you do, if you succumb to this world's atrocities you might become one of them in the end. The words that I used to hold you back or the feelings that I revealed in order for you to stay. All of this wrapped in one is where I lay everything. Take it as you wish, and understand it how you do. Mine will always differ from you. Understanding this is key to understanding me and if you can't decipher this, I pray you unravel the ones hidden from you. I was all in one when you left but I might have just been one in all.
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