The art of noticing.
My anger continues to boil just at the thought of the things I can't predict. You're supposed to keep going. Instead, you stopped. I don't know how to differentiate between giving up and stopping. I want you to pursue me and fight for me. Fight me. Harder than I would like. Make me talk to you. I keep it all bottled inside knowing I want it to burst out because deep down I want to communicate with you. Deep down, I want you to understand everything about me but I'm stubborn baby. I can't fight it sometimes and I want you to break down that stubbornness of mine. Make it that I wouldn't even think of withholding anything from you. I know it's not fair and it's selfish but that's who I am. I am selfish. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you to come for me. But you're not here. I can't feel you. If I can't feel you, how am I to know who I'm confiding in. Please come for me. I'm waiting.
Seeing how you can laugh instead of forcing me makes me feel something for the first time. Rejection. Why do I expect your whole world to fall if I'm not happy? Quite frankly, that's not how it is but somehow whenever I see you sad or overwhelmed, my world shatters. I have literally become consumed by you and that's another reason why it becomes harder for me to communicate because I'm scared you're going to swallow me whole and I'm not in the slightest doing something in yours. You say you're lost, but I am too. The silent tears I shed because you aren't here and at this point, it feels like that physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I don't know how to understand you. I want to. I want to help you but I just don't know how. You make me so happy and I feel as though I can't return that feeling. You're so overwhelmed and I can't be there for you. I don't know how to help baby and that hurts me. It hurts me that I can't make you happy.
Please talk to me. It's so hard. Crying without you. Please come back to me. That silence, all I wanted you to do was fill it. I realize nowadays that the times I need you the most, you can't be there. The times when you're here, I don't want to waste my time with you, even though you say it isn't, I rather watch movies and laugh with you than always bring up depressing topics that we can't resolve. This distance that we face has become symbolic of the one growing in our relationship. This "disconnect" only grows. Sitting in this pitch black room, listening to "Fade into You" and watching how you laugh with the boys wondering if it's genuine or not. If I'm being honest, you look happy. There are times I look at you and your smile is happy but then you say you aren't which throws me off. How do I determine the truth rather than just making assumptions?
I constantly touch this ring that you left me, well gave me. I always wondered if there would be a time when it would sparkle less, or if I had to bring it in for cleaning, there would be a slight chance of replacement. You with your own hand had placed this on mine and made a promise to me. Look at me baby. Even if it's just once, just look at me. I'm angry, I'm so angry with you. You are teaching me how to pretend with you. It's different. It's changing. I'm upset with myself for being angry with you. I'm upset at myself for wanting you to force me to talk even though I should be easily talking. It makes me so angry at myself and at you. This feeling like you're being slowly ripped away from me, how do I get rid of it? Look at me baby, look at me. Just once. See me.
Are you really making me go to bed without resolving this? Funny, now you are in a similar darkness as me. Why am I starting to feel like a stranger in our own relationship? What am I supposed to do? How do I glow for you like you do for me? How do I become your peace? Why are you listening to me? Not once did I hear your voice today. Not once did you utter a slight word but you gave in. You gave into me. Why?
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