All for Love.

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The surge of unknowing that dwells deep within my spirit as I try to assure myself that I am making the right decision in choosing you. The hurt and pain that follow, and choosing to love again. Choosing to open myself again to the torture of emotions and all the feelings that come with the desperation of being and falling in love. I have told myself over and over that my love is not something to be withheld, yet I scare myself with how deeply I love and how easily I choose to love. Sometimes, I wonder if it is a bad thing the way I will continually forgive all the past hurts and pains that I have put myself through, all in the name of love. What I do isn't only for me but for the one I love. The mixture of confusion and assurance that sits inside me and causes chaos always seems to greet me when I've decided to fully commit myself to loving another. What do I do with the words that I haven't said and the words that I still wish to say? What do I do with all the pain and hurt that I've let go because it is still a part of my story? It is still a part of who I am and who I choose to be. It allowed me to grow and gave me the identity I needed, but what do I do with the thoughts that sometimes overwhelm me, despite being the one in control? 

Where do I turn after I give everything, and then, in return, I am left with the consequences of lost hope? What do I do with the doubt and uncertainty? Where do I put it? After learning to control how I'm feeling, what do I do with what's left? All these new feelings and thoughts lead to who I will be. How do I not allow them to determine my future without overriding everything I've once known? I gave everything in the name of the possibility of love. I've given and will give my whole entire being in choosing to love something and someone other than myself. All that I've rejected and decided to learn. All that I've gained and surrendered. Everything. I'm willing to give everything for love. 

My heart is an endless cycle of wanting and giving. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to give love. Wanting more than I am at this present moment. What do I do with all these mixtures of feelings? I've given before and been taken from. What if it all disappears? What if it all gets taken away? What if I get left with nothing? What if I fall so deeply that I am unable to recover because there is a very high chance that the way I love could possibly make me lose my nature in desire to create a haven? I am fading from what my senses seem to steer me. I have faded from the negativity. I have chosen not to be in my pain. I have chosen not to be taken without a fight. I have chosen that only I can choose how to be loved. I have chosen that I want to love. 

What is love? Where does it originate? Why do we love? My love. Is it not enough? Is it not sufficient against all the pain in the world? Do I have to give every piece of myself in order to receive a love that sincerely focuses on me and what I need? What about me? What about what I need? I am always ready to throw myself in the fire and get burned, even though I sometimes get so blinded that I can't see that it doesn't reciprocate. What if whoever I love is always hidden? What if whoever I choose in the name of love chooses not to see the beauty of love? What if I lose in love? Where I would give everything in love, would someone do that for me? The tight feeling in my chest. Is it fear or is it certainty? What if I can't see it? What if it remains missing forever? What if I can't put it together? 

It's tearing me apart. Everything. It's unraveling. Does love have me wrapped around its fingers? Does it choose to defy and rebel because it knows that it pains me? Does it intentionally hurt me? Does it play with me? Does it want to hurt me? Does it know what it's capable of? Does it choose to linger? If love is more than myself, then how do I contain it or even seek it? Does it leave in the end? If it does, I might still want it. Even if only for a bit. Even for a second. Just experiencing love. Maybe I'll sacrifice everything for a little.

Written by: Alyssa Chin

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