The man who suffers alone.
What. What is this? This feeling like I’m about to emerge into darkness…
I was just happy a moment ago, but that moment flew
by so fast. Childhood days where we would play all day long just flashed before
my eyes. The nostalgic feeling that came over me made me feel indifferent in
every way. The bittersweet memories, I cherish them all. They say as you grow
you mature, what is maturing all about. The more I mature the more I see life
as depressing. I constantly repeat my days over and over, a cycle you can say. I wake up, eat, go to school, then sleep and it starts over. The more a person tells me to be positive the
question becomes bolder in my head, "Why be positive in such a negative world?" The majority of adults say “A teenager has no stress or real work to manage yet” but somehow I
feel as if I’m suffocating just from living. Expectations, Perfection, and
Obedience are something every parent wants, some show it and some secretly hope
that their child does the standard so-called rules. I’ve been searching for my
purpose in life for a while now and still haven’t found it yet. I have dreams
and goals too but from my point of view no one deep down thinks I can reach
them or get even close to them; well they are probably right I don’t think so
either. Where I’m from almost everything is about money and my family didn’t
really have much of that I guess I could say we were middle class. I want to go
to a good college. I don’t know maybe become someone well known and respected
but that just seems like a distant dream, the way things are going I would be
lucky enough to even have a chance to apply there.
This feeling of misery and despair flooded my mind.
The pain I feel, from insecurities, failures, and bad relationships weighing me down.
I have to be fighting myself not to give in to my horrid mind for I know I will
be consumed once I have gone down. The battles I have fought with myself to keep my sanity left
me bruised and shattered, scarcely moving but yet still there is something I’m
clinging onto which I do not know. This object or creature holds me with a thin
rope that is soon to be torn.
I don’t know what. What is it? This thing keeps me from being consumed. Is it a creature of light? Is it the little happiness I
find in life? Is it the voices of people telling me to be positive? What is it?
Why don’t you just end it and give up the constantly
abusive yet subtle words in my head? Why I wonder too. The abuse that I
inflict on myself both mentally and physically has all started from somewhere, right? I wonder if it was all the expectations I was so needed to have and bring
out. The conclusion I finally came up with was that I was just too
scared, scared to fail because I still wanted to succeed in this grotesque
world. But why am I afraid? Failure is slowly creeping up on me, even as we
speak now; it’s just waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to snatch me
at my most vulnerable time. But will I give in when my grim reaper comes to the
door ready to harvest? Will he have to chase me down with his scythe before he
catches up to me; can I escape it?
We all lose something in war don’t you think? Maybe
our hearts, souls, possessions, who knows but we always lose something. The
more I think the more I’m certain that this place that we live in is just
filled with hungry beasts ready to devour your soul “Demons prowling for their
prey!”, for all that I know they are everywhere: acquaintances, friends even
families. It’s a silly thing, what we
humans call love. It’s formed out of complex emotions, I could just die
laughing. Is this statement something to be taken seriously, I can’t even tell.
They don’t teach this stuff in school but I should automatically know how to
control these emotions? I know it might be hard to explain but didn’t
anyone find a theory for it? I’ll give you a listening ear. Humans are deceptive,
vile, cunning, and repulsive; well I should say most of the humans I have encountered.
They all want something they can’t have and it’s just a natural reflex.
And then the feeling of lust began I wanted more and
more love, I wanted to become more and more greedy from this selfish world
that it takes everything from me. All my joys, happiness and drains me
of energy like a bloodsucking monster that uses me as a blood bag. Is it so
selfish of me to want more and more? I crave the attention of the people around
me yet still they look at me with those cold eyes. I’m naïve and young and
don’t know what I’m doing but this life that I have been given that I want to
get rid of but can’t because I’m scared. What am I? Who am I? I do everything
that people want and expect from me I get trophies galore and plaques that fill
up my room from all my different accomplishments. I get medals and certificates
to represent my showmanship yet still, that is not enough. Am I happy?
Some life desires are survival at its peak, superiority, freedom, and even social approval. Survival, we all want to live right yet still I don’t see that. SUICIDE! No, I won’t die I tried too hard to get where I am yet that word constantly bangs in my head. If I fail now that would be the only other option for me. I don’t have any other reason to live than just to succeed that’s all I want. I’M SCARED TO FAIL. I want to be loved by those that surround me, I want to be known and praised for my actions. My constant fear is holding me back from who I can be. *internal screaming* I want to be a person that people go to and depend on. I’m scared. In this dark and cold room, my thoughts consumed me. I AM _________!
Written by Alyssa Chin :)
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