I hate myself and I hate you too.

"I'm lonely." I hear my mother cry every night. The sounds of her sobs and her screams filled with hatred for my deadbeat father. The man that was supposed to be our protector and hero turned out to be the man I will forever resent. His selfish demeanor left my mother like a broken doll waiting to be fixed by its owner, but knowing the depth of the situation my mother would neither forgive him nor would he forgive her. The day he left took a toll on our family and I knew my life would change for the worst. 

After a couple months of him leaving, my mother started to resent every man that walked her path and soon isolated herself from the world, to not see or touch what was considered to be man. She started drinking and smoking more so than before and nowadays all she does is stare out her bedroom window. She's becoming more aggravated than usual and for the first time she slapped me. The soft tear than ran down my hot cheek due to the shock of her raising her hand against me left me crying all night. The hands that used to caress my cheek had now become a weapon wielded when she couldn't control her anger. She had a mixture of fear and disgust on her face and I couldn't help to think I'm the one that made her that way. 

Weeks went by and I have to be cleaning up after her and watching her every move for I fear the thought of her jumping through that small bedroom window. But do I fear her dying or do I actually fear the thought of being left alone in this place? I'm worried about myself, I can't allow myself to fall down because if I too fall there would be no one to protect us. But mother is breaking and she refuses to go out, I don't know how to help her while she's becoming more violent.  

But why can't she realize that I need help too, that I'm the one who needs to be crying and fussing and throwing tantrums? I can't be the one who always protects. I also need to be protected. The days are passing by faster and I'm becoming more exhausted. My mind is becoming more dull as we speak, my mother keeps lecturing me every day to stay away from men because they are evil and wicked like describing a Disney villain. I want to be free from this. I want to be free. I miss the old days, the ones where my family was whole and we were happy. 

I hurt every time I think of the bastard father but it hurts even more that I still love him and that I still want him to be a part of my life. But, he abandoned me, and left me with a mentally unstable mother who driving me crazy. I think my mind is becoming a dark place, I keep thinking, thinking of a world without me, where I'm just watching everyone and they don't even remember that I existed. I can't sleep anymore, I can't go out because I'm scared that my mother will hurt me. I'm scared just to be living in this house. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. It pains me to be here by myself. It hurts to be here. It hurts really bad. 

My mind has become a ghastly filled place and I want to escape. Just escape this reality that I'm trapped in. But I can't leave her, I can't leave her to die, I just can't. I can't survive without her, she's My Mother. My used to be caring and happy mother. I can't leave her, I have to help. It's been weeks now and I honestly can't take this anymore. I'm tired but what can I do? I guess I'm going to have to get used to this horrible actuality.

Written by Alyssa Chin