War of Hearts.

When the time for closure reopens its doors, I can see you standing right by the frame as you slowly make your way over to me and uttering words of despair and agony. You say you didn't wish for any of this to happen but how selfish of you to want to end it. That should have been my call the way you barged into my life. All my anger and sadness are now being written in the form of art and without any idea of these words reaching you. You do not know how many times I had heard you saying to trust you and when I did you have shown me the very reason I hesitated in the first place. I had given you my heart and you have broken it into pieces. Shards of glass that can't be replaced. The commitment we made to one another was supposed to show loyalty and love but instead, it turned out to be temptation and confusion. I made it too easy for you and you have completely trampled on what we were building as a means to save yourself. Maybe if I wasn't that easy and I could have communicated better, things would have turned out differently is what I constantly thought, but it wasn't me. It wasn't me because I gave you all that I could provide and that wasn't enough. I can't remember the last time that I had cried so hard and it was over you, the boy that I wanted to be the man to stand by me the way I would have stood by him.

I find it ironic how one could express so much yet conceal much greater. I had listened to you and heard your words, I understood them and took them on. You were becoming the center of my dull yet vivid world and although I am grateful for the short time that you had shared with me. I must also say how disappointed I am that you gave up because the world was against you, against us. There were so many factors that had caused us to separate but the love that you said you have for me should've given you more fighting strength. I wish that I could have been there to motivate you and be your sense of peace and comfort but I was not. I was not present and there wasn't anything that could be done about it. I have now erased most of you as best as I could but that couldn't erase the memories I had and the ones that I wanted us to share. You gave up on so much and although I do wish that you could have seen it better and not run away, you are caught up in the unhappiness of the world and I could not provide any. It really hurts how easily you gave up, with all the words you have ever said to me it seems contradictory and was like they were never said in the first place. I told you to be careful of the words that you would say because they would eventually catch up and I take words very seriously. I warned you about the weight of words. You apologize to me and if I'm being completely honest, I've forgiven you because I could never hold it against you. I forgive you for lying to me and breaking my heart. 

It's one thing for me to now completely have you in my headspace, I have to try to forget about the times because every time I think of them, I can feel my throat burning and choking up and the tears rushing to my eyes even as I write this piece. I have to think that it happened for a reason and there is nothing that can be done. I can't accept it but I will. I'm listening to Mac Demarco and the first thing that comes to mind is you. I listen to 'Breakin' My Heart' by Mint Condition, the song that you said reminded you of me and I wonder if you play that song anymore. How about 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' by Elton John and Kiki Dee? Can you listen to those songs and forget about me? I can't play the songs that I love because they all remind me of you. How am I ever going to rewatch Titanic remembering that was probably the first time we shared such a moment? How am I ever to return to Barnes and Noble and not think of our first date? I have to hide the pictures that we took together so I don't cry just by seeing your face. I changed your name to your full name and whenever I glance at it just makes me recall the name I had for you. I have to completely remove you from what was meant to be yours. I want to cry but I don't want to cry like how I did the night it happened. I can't possibly go through that pain once again. I reached out to you once and you didn't take my hand. How can I help? How could I help? I didn't know and I knew it was pressuring you and I know it's for the best but I feel as if I had lost someone so precious and I can't come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to call you mine. I will no longer be able to commit myself to you. Neither will I be able to share my good and bad days with you. I will not be able to talk to you when I want to, I no longer have the privilege and you don't either. 

We are so young and loved so hard that it became unbearable. It was hard for you to breathe and hard for you to even manage the weight of what the term 'us' stood for. This was supposed to be my closure yet it seems I'm still trying to hang on. Your words have greatly impacted my life and just the slightest bit of your touch was enough to remove the negative feelings but I couldn't do the same for you. I wanted you to reassure me and let me know that it would be okay. I wanted you to want me as much as I wanted you and feel the same way I felt. I feel so angered that you came in with such a rush and you persuaded me into allowing the next step and I took it. I trusted you and took the next step because I saw the person you were. You are such a wonderful person, kind, caring, loving, and just respectful. I didn't love you for the way you looked, I loved you for how you acted and who you were. I fell in love with your existence and everything that made you, you. I completely fell for you and I wish that I didn't because I could have never predicted that this would have been the outcome. I can no longer crave you the way I want. You fell for me first but I fell harder.

Why couldn't you just push a little harder? Why couldn't you have fought a little more? I know that you are hurt and in pain but why let it control you? Is separating yourself from me going to make it better? Was I one of the problems and pains that you encountered? If I wasn't you wouldn't have wanted to lose me. It hurts so much that you did that D. It hurts to even say your name. I always give my all to the people I love and it backfires in the end and I never learn. Maybe it's because I don't want to give up on love but it could just be that I want someone to love me the way I felt love before. Every part of me you have ever held all tingle to the slightest mention of your name. My whole body is set ablaze and now I feel hurt with it. A strong and painful feeling in my chest that starts to overwhelm me. The words of a mere girl that has had her heart broken several times by different men and never learns that to love there has to be trust and that leads to vulnerability. Throughout all this, I still hold you in the highest regard. I still love you and it still feels unreal. The way I am trying to forget you sometimes I wonder if you even existed and I know you did. I know you existed, you existed physically and you still exist within my memories. Why couldn't you have given me the chance to be with you? I understand everything is hard but wouldn't it get better, am I so hard to love that people always leave? 

Your words D, they keep ringing in my head and I can't stand to hear them anymore. They are lies and broken promises. I just wish that you could have seen how much I cared for you. I wish you could have seen the potential of us that you confidently spoke about in the beginning. The beginning is always the best but why can't people fight together instead of alone? I know sometimes there are battles to be fought alone but why must people be so inconsiderate of the other person's feelings. You were selfish and I know that I should understand more because of everything happening but even when I am at my lowest, I never give up because I trust it will get better. I would've stayed loyal to you and our commitment. I hated your farewell because I wished it could've been an obstacle we would go through together. Could things have gone differently? I had all of you and now I have none of you. I feel so betrayed by you and your words. I want to forget it but I don't want to forget you, I don't want to forget you at all. I have to swallow it and keep it. I have to overcome it, I have to overcome you. I know you're scared and that fear has rooted itself within you but I just wish I could fight it with you. 

Even if you had selfishly asked me to wait for you in plain terms, you would have kept me. I don't want to forget you, I don't want to forget your gaze, I don't want to forget your eyes, I don't want to forget your voice, I just don't want to forget you. Some of the smallest encounters that we have with people tend to be some of the most romantic ones. And the moment when you realize that not everyone that you love with your whole self will be yours makes it a thousand times worse. The seasons will change and you will carry on in my mind and my ripped-up heart. My heart calls for you, it's no longer yours that call for me but I for you. I'm still here silently loving you and loving a heart that doesn't beat for me. I fear the day I know that you're words of affection are no longer directed at me but at someone else. That everything that I loved about you will belong to someone else. Although I'm happy that you will find someone to share such a feeling with, I can't say that I'm happy that it's not me. Another girl will see you smile and get to hug you the way I want to hug you. You'll kiss her on her forehead and cheeks and lips more times than you can count. You will be there to give her every little update and she will be the one to see every single picture of you. You'll introduce her to the family and she'll feel at home. I just can't and don't want to accept any of it. You'll hold her hand and take her out on dates. You'll be happy. You'll spoil her and give her the world. You'll write about her. Even if it's not right now. I wanted to be there. You are more than worthy of love. I don't think you realize that much and I wanted to show you that. You are so amazing. You are meant to shine and that is exactly what you will do. You were my dream come true, my absolute blessing and we failed. 

I am somehow stuck in the process of waiting for you and letting you go because I simply can't decide whether I should give you up or secretly hold on. I just wish that our fate could collide once more. Just one more time, that way we could start from scratch and do what is right and not let the reality of this world break us apart. I have to let you go D. I have to but I don't want to. I'm not as brave as you are. Like for god's sake, almost every time I watch a video about fun things to do, I think of you. Every time I see cute videos of dogs, I think of you. Every time I watch a romance movie, I think of you. Every time I see videos of couples, I think of you. I will never be able to not think about you because you have consumed my thoughts. You were in my words from the beginning but you have now become a part of them. I will not be able to write about you like I did before but write about what I remember you to be. You understood everything I meant by just saying "hm". I was drunk on the words that you would write for me and the words that leave your lips. The way your lips curled up and how your eyes lit up for me at the start, is a sight I will never forget. For a second, my whole world fell apart but this time I'm picking myself back up because in reality, you aren't here and you won't be here anymore. Funny thing, do I get rid of your jacket? Your scent is infused all over it and that's going to make it harder to even keep. Once more, say my name. Say my name one more time without telling me goodbye. I want to hear you say my name. 

You didn't cherish me as how you said you would. You said I was your last but somehow those words got lost and tangled that you can't find them. You pinky promised not to break my heart. You said you would never do anything to hurt me. You said I was most definitely the last. I wasn't the first but most definitely the last. You said that I would realize that all your words weren't just words, they were promises and kisses. You said they weren't just empty words. You said I was home but you ran away from home. Was there not enough comfort? Was it too burdensome? Did home not feel like home anymore? Do you remember when you asked me what I wanted? Anything I wanted and I replied that I was too high maintenance and you said you would try to give me anything I wanted. You told me you would buy the moon, the stars, and the whole universe. I always remember the quote that you miss and love someone more when they are gone. It's true because my love for you has been amplified as if it's trying to hold on. Maybe it's just showing more now since I don't have you to give it to. I'll remember everything about you. Your eyes, your smile, your tattoo, your skin, your words, and your proclaimed love. Until I am able to move on from you, I will continue to remember you and savor you, just like the way I wanted to before it all ended. You were a burning flame, not for long but the time you were, you burned me ferociously and I'm glad that I could be scarred with your mark. You have etched a part of yourself onto me and I'll never erase it. Although these fond memories will fade over time, the passion that I felt for you will never leave. It was beautiful. Thank you D. Thank you for trying and giving me such a wonderful time. You have a place in my heart that will always be yours. Right person, right circumstance, wrong time. 

To be honest, I wish you would be able to read this but I will never send it to you, nor will I ever mention it to anyone connected to you. Only if fate deems it necessary for you to read this then you'll stumble across these words. I will no longer look for you. I won't be able to stare into your eyes and call you mine anymore. I won't be able to look at you and think to myself how lucky I was to have you in my life. I won't be able to say your name with affection and hold onto you tightly. I don't have the privilege to do that anymore. I delayed writing this closure message because I wanted you to exist for me a little longer. I wanted to be able to talk about you and think of you a little more but the time has come. The time when I have to say my farewell to you too. I'm sorry that I couldn't become your everything as you wanted. I sincerely wish the best for you. I hope that your words will return and that you will be on track before you leave for the big moment. I hope you'll be ready for whatever comes your way at that given point. I pray the best for you and that you'll be safe because I would never want to see you in pain. I hope you will meet amazing people who will help you along your journey and that you'll be happy. I hope that they will love you the way I couldn't and you'll never feel undeserving of love. I hope that you'll be successful at whatever you do D and that you'll feel loved. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I love you and goodbye.

A collection of my love to you.

Written by Alyssa Chin

Quote: Call Me By Your Name by Andrè Aciman