Words from Alyssa

Today marks my second anniversary of getting out of therapy. I can't believe that so much has happened since I've been released. That day at the bridge, I'm happy I didn't jump because I would have missed out on so much. The day I left, all I could think about was the concept of freedom and how I would learn to spread my wings.  Before I was trapped and they said that I could be a butterfly. Why does everyone use the concept of the butterfly stage? As much as I know that it means that we can attain freedom. I still wonder if a butterfly is truly free. Even though it has wings to soar, what if the wings get destroyed? What's the purpose of a butterfly that can't fly? I've struggled with differentiating between being free and trapped. I think one of the problems that I faced then was that I couldn't recognize that difference. There was no point in me living a trapped life and the only conclusion I could arrive at was that I should just end it all. But what...

I can still see your shadow everywhere I look. Your essence fills up our tiny room where we shared what seemed to be an eternity. You were my lifelong partner and no one will be able to take that title from you. Even though you have now left me, our love will never fade and I will always remember our time together. The happy days, sad days, off days, and lazy days. I will cherish them all because you are my one and only wife. It saddens me that we will never see each other again for a while and that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye but I know that as I continue to live on, I shall live for both of us.  From coincidentally meeting at a grocery store to a first date at a hotel to a well-spent night and to the day when we got together. We were held together by our love. The vows that we made at the altar to the day we moved in together and to raising a family. The struggles of parenting that we went through together and the struggles of holding our family together and then sending...

"I'm lonely." I hear my mother cry every night. The sounds of her sobs and her screams filled with hatred for my deadbeat father. The man that was supposed to be our protector and hero turned out to be the man I will forever resent. His selfish demeanor left my mother like a broken doll waiting to be fixed by its owner, but knowing the depth of the situation my mother would neither forgive him nor would he forgive her. The day he left took a toll on our family and I knew my life would change for the worst.  After a couple months of him leaving, my mother started to resent every man that walked her path and soon isolated herself from the world, to not see or touch what was considered to be man. She started drinking and smoking more so than before and nowadays all she does is stare out her bedroom window. She's becoming more aggravated than usual and for the first time she slapped me. The soft tear than ran down my hot cheek due to the shock of her raising her hand agai...

I wish I could be hugging you, I wish I could be kissing you, I wish I could be laughing with you, I wish you were here.  I wish you never left, Never packed your bags, And never ran away, Chasing after the happy days. I should have held you captive, Being my prisoner and my prey,  I wish you were weak and worthless, And never saw the light of day. For it took you from me,  The burning and harsh rays of the light, You ran and ran,  Until you were far away from me. How is it over there? Did you reach your happy days? Are you happy you ran away? Because I should have locked you up, So you could never run away.  Written by Alyssa Chin Image credit:  Skoll.org

In silence *tick tock, tick tock* I heard the fluttering of your heart And the fluttering of mine Your simple yet bolds words Piercing deep within my world of scars You penetrated my heart  And showed me the world anew. How brave of you to enter so irrevocably The steady yet nimble pace of your love  Banging on the walls surrounding my heart Blooming like petals  And falling every 5 centimeters per second like cherry blossoms in spring. You have such a high opinion of yourself  It makes one wonder if they are nothing more than dust in comparison to you. Your uncontrollable and withdrawn nature Which piques my interest even more. Of how a shy country rat like you might develop into a well-defined specimen. How cowardly of you to confess your love so easily  So straightforward and brazen Your every word pushes deeper and deeper into an everlasting void Your gaze reached and touched every part of me  Your attire shows off your traits. I hate you for that ...

I fell in love with you through the eyes of another. It hurts that my existence can't co-exist with yours. You were a beautiful memory until you became a painful reminder, that I, no matter how much I longed for you could never call you mine. I, as a man, have always been delicate to the point where I was confused as a woman. My fragile nature is one of which I hate of myself but knowingly can't change the way I am. I had a lot of acquaintances but one true friend. We did everything together and talked about everything. There was not a moment where you could say we were separated. We experienced each other's pain and made jokes about them afterward because that was the best that we could do.  But I have something that I haven't told her as yet. The fact that I am not like other guys and that I am ridiculed behind closed doors. The fact that I am trapped in the same place and can't move forward because I'm stuck in the past, while I watch you move ahead for the f...

It started in the spring of our freshman year of high school and lasted until the last spring of college, and now it's your final spring. You've always been there for me through thick and thin, so I'm not sure why you're not here right now. Your warmth as you shielded me from the crash's quick impact. I am sorry I wasn't the one to defend you. I'm such a coward. How could I have failed to protect you in your final moments? How could I not smile at you to give you the pleasure you desired?  How could I not be the one to leave instead of you?  It seems as if surviving in this world without you is pointless. We've spent so much time together that I can't help but notice your presence in the home that you and I built. I can't recall a single recollection in which you weren't present. Your delicate touch on my rough skin, as well as your kind smile, made me feel safe at all times. Every memory and thought of you that comes to me makes my head hurt...