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All for Love.

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The surge of unknowing that dwells deep within my spirit as I try to assure myself that I am making the right decision in choosing you. The hurt and pain that follow, and choosing to love again. Choosing to open myself again to the torture of emotions and all the feelings that come with the desperation of being and falling in love. I have told myself over and over that my love is not something to be withheld, yet I scare myself with how deeply I love and how easily I choose to love. Sometimes, I wonder if it is a bad thing the way I will continually forgive all the past hurts and pains that I have put myself through, all in the name of love. What I do isn't only for me but for the one I love. The mixture of confusion and assurance that sits inside me and causes chaos always seems to greet me when I've decided to fully commit myself to loving another. What do I do with the words that I haven't said and the words that I still wish to say? What do I do with all the pain and hu...
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The Unfinished.

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Today, I went searching for a show that could hold my attention, and to my surprise, I saw ours. I couldn't watch it, though. I realized no matter how much I loved it, I couldn't bring myself to watch it without you. That was ours. Our time together, our shared laughs, even our shared glances. I had to bury that part of me that came with love. I didn't bury love, but I had to bury what I loved because you came attached. It's funny how one can unknowingly take so much without even being present. And that's exactly what you did. You took my time, my love, my attention, and maybe a bit of my sanity when you decided to go another way. I don't blame you. I blame us. I blame who we became to each other due to our unfinished business. I could never blame you. One, because that would be hypocritical, and two, because you were never at fault. I don't search for you as much, but when things do pop up, oh, do they come with a rush of memories. Completely dominating my ...
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Undeniably loving you.

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I think the irrevocable knowledge of the fact that you will never be mine again really seems to be making a rather frequent visit to my mind. There are days where I go without thinking about us. And then there are days when all I can think about is you. They say it heals with time, but it's been almost half a year and well as hurt as I may be that you chose to live a life without me, I still have to find solace in the fact that we existed. That at one point in our lives we met and we had something beautiful. I still look for you in everything and everywhere I go and I guess, I still need time to grieve. I've been reflecting, healing, growing, fighting, living, trying, holding on, loving, dreaming, eating, working, and feeling. I've been feeling the effects of your absence and growing out of the attachment/bond that we had created. I've been trying to let go of the words that held me back. All the "I love you" and the "I promise". It's been hard b...
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Promises kept, Promises broken

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Promises kept, Promises broken I promised to love you and have kept it as strong today as it was before you uttered the words "I love you" from your lips I promised to stand in your corner and I still do Promises that hurt become promises that are broken Promises kept, Promises broken If only the hug you gave before I left could keep its warmth  If only I could remember the scent that trailed behind If only I could keep the tears from falling the last time we said "I love you" If only I could forget what it was like being in your embrace If only I could forget the source of joy that sprouted each time I was with you If only I could remember and forget at the same time Promises kept, Promises broken Why have you broken your promises? I still carry that broken promise with me everywhere It's seen every tear and every plead   It's heard conversations of many  And traveled further than it should've But I've held on to your promise even closer Hoping that...
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I wish you chose to love me today.

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This is the first. The first of many words I wish I could tell you. The first of many emotions I could express to you. Our time was cut short. We couldn't be the people that we hoped for and searched for. Rather, we couldn't do it together. I have always thought that what we had was impossible to find. God brought us together and nothing could tear us apart. I was wrong. So many things are against someone finding happiness in another. So many things barricade us from the deepest emotions we wish the other could understand. I love you. Those three simple yet extraordinary words could shake the planet and defeat worlds. I love you so much that it pains me to say goodbye. These words that I've held onto from the start all the way until now are words I don't wish to forget but you force me to return them to memories. I didn't have words before because I wrote based on the pain I felt and even the storm in my life that took over I still was at home with you. You were som...
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My Letter.

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To My Dearest,       What if you just fade into my memories? What if you become someone that I'll look through my photos and call a stranger or rather say that you were someone that I used to know? I think it hurts how much one isn't capable of understanding another. It literally feels like I'm drowning in my own nightmare knowing that you're right there but you can't do anything about it. All these insecurities and fears hold me back from the person I ought to be in fear of rejection from the person that I love the most. How come when everything is failing, there just seems to be more that's being added. Am I to ignore every warning sign in the protection of my heart? Am I to turn off the feelings that are closing in on me? What am I to do with all these emotions if I can't express them the way I should? It hurts me every time I hurt you. I'm sorry that I always do. I'm sorry that I always hurt you.       I can't promise that the grass will alwa...
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The Woman I used to Be.

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You don't adore me the way you used to You don't look at me like before You don't talk to me the way I remember  I don't feel the same as before Right now it feels like you're trying to get even  And that's all that matters. I miss being in your eyes When you would look at me and just adore me I miss the way we would always resolve things Now you ask why we can't and it's because it's not the same The relationship isn't the same We are NOT the same. But you don't even pursue me like how you did I want to be selfish too You don't want to entertain something that I want to feel You don't understand no matter how many times it comes up Because it seems unfair and it seems like something you shouldn't do Why is it that in the start you did? So many things changed  We both changed  But I keep wondering, is it better? I don't feel as connected as before I don't feel as you seek me as before I've come to realize that I'm ...
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The Unpublished Little Girl.

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I hate this Everything about it I hate this feeling of hate The feeling I don't belong My thoughts don't belong  Does that equate to nothing? I feel nothing But I feel everything Look at the hidden scars she scatters over her body When people see them, she gets praised For they do not see the actuality but are masked by the invisibility  She seeks everything yet chases nothing She lives like nothing for existing She exists in hoping that it will be living She dies, but only on the inside  She lies but only to prevent a sacrifice She's scared and broken  Run, run, run little girl Cry, cry, cry little girl Be free from the shackles of you and me Because  she sees what I see Look further beyond the portrait Look deeper past the words For there lies a girl that storms when bringing up her past Fly, fly, fly little girl  Sing, sing, sing little girl  Your songs are to be echoed in one-pitch harmony Deafening to the ears of those who refuse to hear  Not...
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What are the Possibilities of Love at First Sight?

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This is where the lie that I was afraid of gradually worsens Supposing I'm just like the rest but concealed for the beauty of your eyes Maybe it's the way I talk or the way I act that creates the push-and-pull effect I'm not the person you know  I don't even know the one you know  That sometimes scares me because I don't know the image of the person you painted in your head  It could've been the side of me that rarely comes out that you fell in love with What are the possibilities of love at first sight? Maybe one in a million to you, but when you explore everything that's to come  You'll compare me with the rest of them  I'm just like any other and don't have much about me  I'm stuck with the person I used to be  In a place I don't wish to be The constant repetition of how much you love me Drives me to insanity, making me think that I have the capabilities What are the possibilities of love at first sight? These feelings that I have, sho...
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The Complicated Expression of Love.

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I have concluded that my life is absolutely dominated by the meaning of love or maybe it's the feeling. Not just romantically but every form of love there is to exist. The warmth, and need for love constantly draws me to believe that I can't function without it. I struggled with the meaning of love for years. The confusion I faced in my relationships always made me question the validity of my definition of love. I used to hear that you can't define love but what if there was a more straight-forward definition that most of us overlook. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 says, " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." What if we were to cultivate these traits within ourselves? I think doing tha...
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