Words from Alyssa

Sometimes I don't like your touch even though I want to. Your hands are stained with those who were before me and that triggers a sense of repulsiveness that tends to take up my mind. Your hand which caresses me gives me a comforting feeling but once you retract, the only thing I can think about is the fact that you have done this before. Your hands even though are meant to comfort me and protect me yet somehow undeniably end up hurting me. This feeling that I don't want to encounter continues to ruin the love you try to give. Your experience and maturity, your age, and your actions all frighten me so much. You can gently move my hair and make my heart flutter but trust me when you leave and my thoughts consume me, I'm scared to know where that hand was before you touched me. Did you interact with another girl today? I'm scared to know what you did. I'm scared. But who am I to tell you to change, just because of my title. I want to procure our love but you scare me ...

Perfect little family and perfect little lies It all comes down to love, but I'm contemplating whether it's love or yearning Lectures on end and disagreements back and forth What am I supposed to do when I only wanted to experience the other side of the high wall? When I've finally crossed the threshold and it appears I'm back to square one How do I stop the hatred growing deep within me? Making me guilty and feeling all this regret Secret judging and constantly isolated  What am I supposed to do when I can't see what I was chasing after this whole time? Perfect little family and perfect little lies It's becoming harder and harder to love and I can't simply forget how you did me wrong Am I supposed to love you because you love me? How far can your love go for me when I actually show who I am  When you actually meet the real side of me All this guilt that's being forced upon me like I deserve it Am I the one who's wrong? Or am I the one you failed to ...

Dear Diary, I met a boy. He was really cute and really sweet. Well, at first. Now, he's become someone that I wish I could hate. Just writing about him is making me smile and reminding me of his, which was really amazing by the way. He has a way with words in both good and bad cases but that didn't stop me from liking him. He's the first boy I want and I can't have. It's unfair really, he was the one who liked me first but now the tables turned and I'm the one liking him. I fell for him, not love but a strong sense of liking him. When I just met him, I showed him the confident me, strong-willed and the more go-getter of life but when he actually met the real me, the attention-seeking, clingy, and soft-hearted girl, he showed me how much he was just attracted to the fake me instead of the real one. We went from talking every day to once a month. Went from almost lovers to acquaintances and what's really funny is that I still think of him, almost every day wel...

It's cold again How much does it need to be before you actually see me Before you leave and say you couldn't feel, How much will you take  Just to make my heart ache! You started it but sadly you couldn't finish it. Telling me words I would want to hear  And pretending like you would be there, You lied! And now you have this newfound freedom  That I don't wish to deprive you of. This is my message  Goodbye and thank you. You have shown me what it takes  And now I know I know what you were teaching me. I should have prepared for this time, Although I'll always be with you and you'll always be with me We'll never indeed be what we wanted to be. Thank you for the good days and the bad ones  But now I must set you free, Because if I keep you trapped like what you've done to me You'll never be able to leave me. You've shown me love and given me joy All it takes to make me yours, But I won't stop you from what it needs to be  And for that, I hope y...

Have you ever felt like your wings have been cut off from those who were to mend them and that the one you would confide in becomes the one you can no longer lean on?  False accusations and briefed words.  You're trying to breathe even after receiving oxygen but still feel suffocated.  The forced expectation and the fake amusement just to pass the darkness of the nights that suppress your every breath.  It consumes me and becomes me. Without support or a joke to make you laugh but having to be the one that smiles at the ones you wish to walk away from.  Stifling and choking on every aspect of what used to be the freedom that has now become captivation.  Fly away or run away just to see what it used to be but if I fly too far or run too far I might lose myself trying to reach the ideal of being. Being alone and wanting to be doesn't match the existence of the one created not to be.  Having a cool breeze brush past you but can't seem to refresh you and i...

I constantly get this feeling that someone keeps watching me. I don't know where because every time I look around there's no one there but I'm sure there is. They follow me from work and when I go to school. When I'm in my house even though all the windows and doors are closed. When I'm on the bus, everywhere. I told my friends and all they kept telling me was that I'm just imagining things because I'm not used to living alone yet so now I'm actually wondering if I was making things up or that someone was actually following me. These days I keep getting the sense of mixing reality with my dreams and it's becoming more and more terrifying.  I woke up one day at the train station and can't remember how I got there. People were staring at me like I was homeless because I was covered in my nightwear but for the life of me, I can't even remember leaving the house. Another time I dreamt that I was at work and went through the entire day then came h...

2022 has been the most wonderful, amazing yet horrible year of my life. It started out with a twist of me adjusting back to school and reuniting with people that were long hidden. January flew by so fast, I was given the opportunity to connect with someone who today I still hold dearly in my heart. February brought change. In this month I not only thought of a specific person every day, I went out with my friends constantly and introduced this person to almost everyone around me. February allowed me to connect with my best friend on a deeper level and showed me how important friends are in this modern age. March brought two emotions: Love and Joy. For the first time, I had my taste of the so-called "Teenage Romance". I believed that this stereotype was only for the fortunate ones but apparently, it happens for those of us on the sidelines too. He was a gentleman and at my age, all the adults probably thought the same thing, he just wanted to take advantage of my daughter. Eve...

The tingling sensation in my fingertips as I run them all over your beautifully sculpted physique. The heat is emitted from your body and the warm hands that console my tender yet ferocious canvas. The want that both of us yearn for. Our impulse to demand each other's full attention and the gaze of your eyes drifting but still staring deeply into the amiss of our tragic yet deeming longing. The excitement of both our bodies mingling and being tangled, needing more and craving more. The desperate desire of having each other wholly and the warmth that comes with it. The soft words being uttered and the scent of eros seeping through the room. Drowning in your fragrance, I feel like I'm in a frenzy with your lustful and mystical embrace. My mind and judgment are clouded by your intoxicating taste. I'm drawn in by your compelling nature. The way you move so eloquently makes me want you more and more. The sounds you make and the way you look just dragging me by a thread.  Your vo...

There is a burning rage and hurt in my body that's setting my heart ablaze. I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you. You have clouded my thoughts with all this pain that I must rid of but I can still remember our times. The kisses that we shared, the hugs that made me melt, the way you would lift me. The constant messages of "Good morning" followed by words of affection and the occasional "Goodnight", the checkups during the day of how I was doing and if I ate. If I stretched because I had been at home all day. The happiness I felt seeing your name pop up on my screen, the way my heart raced when you called, and the names you would call me. The way you made me feel utterly wanted but unwanted at the same time. I believe what we had was special but on the other hand, you might not. I am proud of myself for letting you go because if I didn't you would've continued to lead me on and I would feel more pain if I had spent more time with you. The...

I can hear the crack of the facade that I raised. I don't know if it's because I'm wrapped in his cloth or your lies. I can feel the impenetrable walls of the unsteady mountain chip and break. Whether it's the fear of being alone or the pain that comes with it, it just seems to shallow the halls within. Your lies echo these walls tearing the fragments that held it together and his scent lingers with a trace of disgust and longing. I can't tell if it's harsh words or meaningless lies, but worst of all, I now can't tell whether it's real or fake. Moving from a rock to a boulder required much effort and I wouldn't have expected that it was this easy to break into multiple pieces. I want them but they never want me. Why must love come with such burdens and complications? Maybe it wasn't love just lust and infatuation mixed with obsession and wanting. You were different but I shouldn't have expected the outcome to be.  You want to focus on yoursel...