Words from Alyssa

I constantly get this feeling that someone keeps watching me. I don't know where because every time I look around there's no one there but I'm sure there is. They follow me from work and when I go to school. When I'm in my house even though all the windows and doors are closed. When I'm on the bus, everywhere. I told my friends and all they kept telling me was that I'm just imagining things because I'm not used to living alone yet so now I'm actually wondering if I was making things up or that someone was actually following me. These days I keep getting the sense of mixing reality with my dreams and it's becoming more and more terrifying.  I woke up one day at the train station and can't remember how I got there. People were staring at me like I was homeless because I was covered in my nightwear but for the life of me, I can't even remember leaving the house. Another time I dreamt that I was at work and went through the entire day then came h...

2022 has been the most wonderful, amazing yet horrible year of my life. It started out with a twist of me adjusting back to school and reuniting with people that were long hidden. January flew by so fast, I was given the opportunity to connect with someone who today I still hold dearly in my heart. February brought change. In this month I not only thought of a specific person every day, I went out with my friends constantly and introduced this person to almost everyone around me. February allowed me to connect with my best friend on a deeper level and showed me how important friends are in this modern age. March brought two emotions: Love and Joy. For the first time, I had my taste of the so-called "Teenage Romance". I believed that this stereotype was only for the fortunate ones but apparently, it happens for those of us on the sidelines too. He was a gentleman and at my age, all the adults probably thought the same thing, he just wanted to take advantage of my daughter. Eve...

The tingling sensation in my fingertips as I run them all over your beautifully sculpted physique. The heat is emitted from your body and the warm hands that console my tender yet ferocious canvas. The want that both of us yearn for. Our impulse to demand each other's full attention and the gaze of your eyes drifting but still staring deeply into the amiss of our tragic yet deeming longing. The excitement of both our bodies mingling and being tangled, needing more and craving more. The desperate desire of having each other wholly and the warmth that comes with it. The soft words being uttered and the scent of eros seeping through the room. Drowning in your fragrance, I feel like I'm in a frenzy with your lustful and mystical embrace. My mind and judgment are clouded by your intoxicating taste. I'm drawn in by your compelling nature. The way you move so eloquently makes me want you more and more. The sounds you make and the way you look just dragging me by a thread.  Your vo...

There is a burning rage and hurt in my body that's setting my heart ablaze. I wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you. You have clouded my thoughts with all this pain that I must rid of but I can still remember our times. The kisses that we shared, the hugs that made me melt, the way you would lift me. The constant messages of "Good morning" followed by words of affection and the occasional "Goodnight", the checkups during the day of how I was doing and if I ate. If I stretched because I had been at home all day. The happiness I felt seeing your name pop up on my screen, the way my heart raced when you called, and the names you would call me. The way you made me feel utterly wanted but unwanted at the same time. I believe what we had was special but on the other hand, you might not. I am proud of myself for letting you go because if I didn't you would've continued to lead me on and I would feel more pain if I had spent more time with you. The...

I can hear the crack of the facade that I raised. I don't know if it's because I'm wrapped in his cloth or your lies. I can feel the impenetrable walls of the unsteady mountain chip and break. Whether it's the fear of being alone or the pain that comes with it, it just seems to shallow the halls within. Your lies echo these walls tearing the fragments that held it together and his scent lingers with a trace of disgust and longing. I can't tell if it's harsh words or meaningless lies, but worst of all, I now can't tell whether it's real or fake. Moving from a rock to a boulder required much effort and I wouldn't have expected that it was this easy to break into multiple pieces. I want them but they never want me. Why must love come with such burdens and complications? Maybe it wasn't love just lust and infatuation mixed with obsession and wanting. You were different but I shouldn't have expected the outcome to be.  You want to focus on yoursel...

The fact that I am now a million miles away from you You still haunt me Every day, Every hour, Every second You haunt me. I thought that moving somewhere else would have made it easier But I was wrong It only made it harder How am I expected to move past us? It's been two months, yea Two horrible months Well for me at least But you? Have you found someone? It's not my place but I just have this feeling, you know?  A feeling that there's someone else Well, I mean, I don't wrong you but... So quickly, there might not be someone else but it's just intuition. 45% is where I think I'm at and have been for the past month I'm not moving but I hope you're thriving You've left a permanent mark You're still so constant in my heart I just hope that this feeling doesn't last too long. Why are you not leaving? Why are you still here? Why do I still love you? Why do I still want you? Why am I still so unconditionally in love with you? I promised myself not...

I think I finally accept that I can handle heartbreak, only if it comes from you because the thought of holding onto you longer juxtaposes the feeling of hurt and fear that hides in my heart. I believe I still haven't changed even though given a chance to, I still remain the same coward I was while wearing a bravado. I'm waiting patiently on the day you break my heart into a thousand pieces because maybe then I will learn to move on. I have decided to wait, how foolish of me I must say but inevitably this would be the outcome, I have only tried to deny it. I wish to stand by you until you need to rid of me and consider me useless. I would literally give you a lot not all but whatever you need in the name of the four letters called 'love'. It's funny how I did not know love before you while you believed you could show me and after you, I have learned pieces of that word while you have drifted from it.  After thoughts have taken over you for days, you would expect the...

Like hot summer nights I still await your return For our denied love. Written by Alyssa Chin Photo Credits: Ron Hicks

We ran away together thinking that we could have escaped reality but that's when it really hit us. Our immature thinking that only having each other and being able to hug the bad days away would have been okay but it left us loveless and full of hurt. We were young I admit and we had no idea what we were doing, even though we laid out a plan that we thought would make us the happiest human beings in the world, we still managed to fail, and that instead brought horror and fear to us. We now feared being with one another and one thing lead to the next after 3 years, you were gone. To make a life for yourself because you couldn't see one with me, you packed everything that we had made into a box and left, leaving with no remorse. I look back and wonder how it was so easy for you to leave. Now 5 years have passed and I managed to move on somehow, not from you of course but from the life that we lived. I saw you but you were stuck. In the same place that you left from. I must say I...

Out of everything we could fear in this world, we choose to love. I still love you and I still want you, you might not even see this but I still want us. I almost called you today. I was going to call and let you talk just to hear your voice if only for a second, I wanted to hear you. I would hang up quickly and say that it was an accident but when my hand pressed the call button and it didn't call I snapped out of it quickly and I never tried again.  Let me tell you something funny, I was allowed to be with you and to dine together but I can't tell you that. I think that's also why I was so tempted to speak to you because maybe if we could just have a moment to ourselves to just talk maybe something might change but I remember you saying that seeing me would make you feel guilty and that you feel something different seeing me than over the phone. So, I won't affect your decision. But if it's something that could be changed by interacting with me in person I'm t...