Words from Alyssa

I think I finally accept that I can handle heartbreak, only if it comes from you because the thought of holding onto you longer juxtaposes the feeling of hurt and fear that hides in my heart. I believe I still haven't changed even though given a chance to, I still remain the same coward I was while wearing a bravado. I'm waiting patiently on the day you break my heart into a thousand pieces because maybe then I will learn to move on. I have decided to wait, how foolish of me I must say but inevitably this would be the outcome, I have only tried to deny it. I wish to stand by you until you need to rid of me and consider me useless. I would literally give you a lot not all but whatever you need in the name of the four letters called 'love'. It's funny how I did not know love before you while you believed you could show me and after you, I have learned pieces of that word while you have drifted from it.  After thoughts have taken over you for days, you would expect the...

Like hot summer nights I still await your return For our denied love. Written by Alyssa Chin Photo Credits: Ron Hicks

We ran away together thinking that we could have escaped reality but that's when it really hit us. Our immature thinking that only having each other and being able to hug the bad days away would have been okay but it left us loveless and full of hurt. We were young I admit and we had no idea what we were doing, even though we laid out a plan that we thought would make us the happiest human beings in the world, we still managed to fail, and that instead brought horror and fear to us. We now feared being with one another and one thing lead to the next after 3 years, you were gone. To make a life for yourself because you couldn't see one with me, you packed everything that we had made into a box and left, leaving with no remorse. I look back and wonder how it was so easy for you to leave. Now 5 years have passed and I managed to move on somehow, not from you of course but from the life that we lived. I saw you but you were stuck. In the same place that you left from. I must say I...

Out of everything we could fear in this world, we choose to love. I still love you and I still want you, you might not even see this but I still want us. I almost called you today. I was going to call and let you talk just to hear your voice if only for a second, I wanted to hear you. I would hang up quickly and say that it was an accident but when my hand pressed the call button and it didn't call I snapped out of it quickly and I never tried again.  Let me tell you something funny, I was allowed to be with you and to dine together but I can't tell you that. I think that's also why I was so tempted to speak to you because maybe if we could just have a moment to ourselves to just talk maybe something might change but I remember you saying that seeing me would make you feel guilty and that you feel something different seeing me than over the phone. So, I won't affect your decision. But if it's something that could be changed by interacting with me in person I'm t...

I've never really realized how much it took to love another human being. It's like setting yourself up for disaster with hopes of it being fruitful in the end. Having experienced the feeling of love, I would say it was rough although beautiful and majestic, it was especially difficult in learning how to share your life with another. What's worse, is when it all disappears. The continuous cycle of regret and pain and sadness makes your body get used to being weak.  When a tidal wave of emotions controls how your body works and how you feel, it takes dominance leaving no place for your thoughts to wander. Then you start sinking, which leaves no air to enter, and no chance to breathe. Then you go down further and further thinking that there might be an end or you'll reach the bottom soon but you only fool yourself. You don't stop sinking, you drown.  Drowning isn't even the worst of it. It's when you die. Your body stops functioning, you no longer think, you no...

Dear Apple, Since you left, I've been distracting myself and trying my hardest for emotional and self-growth, and for that I thank you. I never had the courage to make the decision of leaving you but ever since it happened, I cried for hours and felt weak and drained but I realized that you did it for both of us, not for the purpose of hurting me. I guess we just really needed time apart in order to have personal growth and then maybe, if fate will allow, we can be in each other's arms someday. You have given me a chance to find out who I am without being attached to someone and for that I also thank you. It's going to be difficult without you because remembering our fondest moments will always be etched into my memories and I'm glad that I was able to share them with you. For a time, even though not long I was irrevocably and unconditionally in love with you. Those 5 months we have experienced a relationship way more grown up than expected and even though it was short,...

It's silent but I can see it all. Even though I can't hear anything I can only imagine the sounds that seem so real even though you're fake. It hurts but I feel nothing. You're crying, I can feel it. An endless chain that has clipped our destinies short. Time covets and encapsulates my heart and keeps me hostage. I'm stuck. It's dark but it's only because I'm sleeping. It brings us together because of our force of attraction and tears us apart when identical. Is it because we seek something that we amount to nothing? What happened to our wings? This fear, the one that keeps me awake, is it an illusion? Paralyzed, I am when I sleep and dead when I am awake. To search for the hallowed angel's shadow in the hope of regaining your own. "I did hate you." Those words will forever resonate in my head. It rippled through my still and unbalanced world. I never knew hate could stem from love and then automatically turns back to love. Torn between lov...

You will never be able to understand me no matter how much you try just as I won't be able to understand you. I hate you for making me cave into my emotions, I hate you for making me so dependent on you, I hate you for always being in my head, I hate you for just seeing you and I hate you because I love you. I hate that you are always present in my life but you know how much I love it. I hate that I always rely on you to make me feel better and can't do it myself. I hate that you don't know when to come after me and the times I don't need you to, you do. I hate that once your name is mentioned I am instantly happy. I hate that you make me happy. I hate that you can make anyone like you because if it wasn't for that I wouldn't be in this mess. You make me feel all these emotions that you can't control and leave the rest to me because my emotions trigger yours. I hate that you always know how to get to me just as I know how to get to you but you know that we a...

You don't know how much it hurts me that I hurt you. It pains me that I'm always selfish, it pains me that I can never make you happy. It feels as if I can't live without you but it seems I'm only hindering you by being around you constantly. I'm sorry that I couldn't hear your cries. No, I heard your cries but I couldn't answer them I heard you screaming for me and showing me all the signs but I didn't know how to approach them. I may have looked as if I gave up but I didn't and you're right, I'm selfish, and trust me I hate myself for that. I feel as if I have stolen your light, the one that was made for you and I don't know how to give it back. I'm sorry that I always depend on you and always need you around me. I always give in to my selfish desires because I fear being abandoned and the feeling of loneliness.  I'm sorry that I'm such a bad friend to you, that I couldn't give you my all when you gave me your all. I...

Why do you always blame me for everything you do wrong? I'm tired of trying to make you happy and her happy. I'm tired of expending all my energy for you to feel good about yourself and save yourself from regret. I'm tired of giving you my all because it amounts to nothing because that's what I am to you, nothing. You treat me like I'm expendable, can always come back from the harshest of punishments, and I can never be my true self in front of you because I have to hide behind this facade to protect myself from your wrath and the shame you place on me. Why am I always the one you turn to when you need to release anger, why am I the one always in trouble for another, why am I receiving unfair punishment, and when I object it makes things worse.  You're swallowing me, my life, and taking control of the only thing that could be physically represented as mine. Why do you continue to betray me in such harsh conditions? Why do you continue to take others' sides i...